Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Sunday, March 15, 2020

Social Distancing

It's me, your neighborly depressed chick!

Today, I'd like to talk to you all about Social Distancing.

No, I'm not talking about caronavirus or COVID-19.

I'm talking about all those relationships that make up our lives. The important people, the unimportant people, the ones we love, the ones we hate.

I've come to the realization that I don't mean shit to many people.  And I don't care for a lot of others either. 

I say this as I realized today, I have not had a conversation with my sisters in years. Not even meaningless inconsequential small talk. 

I talk to my friends and family as much now as I did a year a ago. Moving 1,000 miles away hasn't lessened or increased the frequency of when I talk to my family.  My mother and two of my brothers are the only ones who check in. One brother to share pictures of his baby, and my mother to complain about the sister that has moved home. 

One day, I'd like someone to text me or call me and ask me how I'm doing. Just once. I'd like someone to genuinely have a conversation with me about me and what's going on.

I'm constantly shoved inside of who I am. Who fucking know me?  Can anyone even name my favorite color, or my favorite song?

Can I name anyone in my social circle's favorite color or song?

No.

What's the point?


Friday, December 16, 2016

The Itch




I have this itch in my brain or under my skin. It's hard to place. It's unsettling. I've felt it before, usually when I'm about to do something stupid, make a poor decision, or in general do something I know will hurt my life goals. This itch, it's like a thought, or a feeling. It always is whispering to me. Its not very nice. It makes me question what I want in life. It makes me ask myself, am I happy? do I enjoy where my life is? Do I enjoy the people in my life? This itch, it's an evil thing. It comes about every so often. It forces me to change jobs, question my marriage, and distance myself from my family. I fight it. I hate it. This thing that tells me that I'm better off alone. I'm better off if I leave it all behind. It tells me to run. to get into my car and never come back. This itch, it fights against what my life is. It tells me things can be better. That I can go where I want, and do what I want, be what I want. It tells me these lies. and I hate it. for giving me false hope, for making me question, for making uncomfortable. I wish it would go away. This itch always feel like If I just scratch it, I'll have an epiphany, It'll be better. It's a lie. Scratching the itch always makes life worse. It means going days without eating. It means fighting with my love. It means uncertainty. Scratching is the worse thing I could do. I know it is. I've fought this evil thing. It's a war I'm waging. I've lost battles here and there, I'll admit. I think, just a little scratch and it'll go away. No, it doesn't work like that. This war that I fight against the itch. It's taking its toll on me. I'm so very tired of it whispers. So very tired of the circular thinking. So very tired of trying. So tired in fact, that I don't have the will to fight it or to not fight it. I'll just let it buzz under my skin, ignoring it. Repress. Repress, repress. It's the only way to not upset the stalemate it and I have. I'll let it whisper. I'll let it spin it's web of glittery lies. It can speak, but I don't have to listen.




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Friday, April 8, 2016

Restless


Ever get this feeling of just restlessness in your life? Nothing is good. Nothing makes you happy. You can't make even simple decisions? Where you want so much more, but are just stuck? Unhappy with most aspects of your life? Feel like nothing you do will make a difference in your life? Feel like you are working so hard for nothing? Feel like you can't meaningfully connect with the people you are supposed to be the closest with?
Me neither.

It's time to up my meds again, I think. Drug myself out so much that I don't care anymore, again.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Sun and Corn


Taking some advice from my therapist about all the time I spend with my husband, she claims we spend an abnormal amount of time together for a married couple, as in every single minute of the day when I am not at school and he’s not at work, while not necessarily bad in and of itself, just that we don’t do anything other than sit in a 10 by 12 room with each other. So, may have taken my therapist’s advice too literally, and am currently on a six day trip not with Brian. 
So today s day one on my vacation from my life.  I’m kind of viewing it that way.  Running from my life fixes none of its problems and is a totally unhealthy way to deal.  Yes, I know. I just don’t care. It’s either this crazy spontaneous trip across the country or go a little more crazy each day until I finally jump off the deep end into full on crazy. SO here’s to me, getting out of my comfort zone, finally standing up to my husband, doing something without a plan, and shedding a little bit of my personal armor.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Wringer


Today was my second session with my new therapist, and I kind of feel like a failure. I am not sure what I expected therapy for my Biopolar Disorder to be like, and how to proceed with it all. She asked about my goals and what I'd like to work on to help with coping mechanisms and what not.