Me Again, Still in Oklahoma

It's months later, and I am still here, still here in Oklahoma.

This time I can say, that one thing has improved.  I now have a career of my own. I was working part time at a bank, while applying to web dev jobs.

I didn't exactly land a web dev job, but I got close.  I'm now an Event Marketing Manager. Yea. Fancy title right? Also fancy paycheck.  It's pretty much a perfect fit job.  I plan, marketing, time, and execute race and endurance events. My clients pay me to create create websites for their events, an online registration process, and produce live online race timing results in person.  I get to be techy, an event planner, a marketer, outside, and a little bit of traveling too. I've been with this new company for over a month now, and I feel like this may be the place for me here in Oklahoma. I miss park work, and being outside all the time. But, let's be realistic, without a college degree, that career path wasn't happening. Now my skills are being narrowed in a certain industry niche, so in the long run, I'll be able to demand a higher price tag, not that what I'm making right now isn't nice.

Also, let me be real about my new salary. This is the most money I've ever been paid in my life.  I do not know what to do with myself or how I should act.  We have struggled for so long with being poor, that like what the hell do I do with this money?  At first, there's things we have to buy and spend money on, just because now we're playing catch up. Like finally seeing a dentist to fix my tooth, or finally getting new clothes.  I bought a pack of underwear guiltfree this week. Like, WHAT THE HELL? So for the first few months, all this money we're now making will go to catch up, like pay off old debts, and new clothes, shoes without holes in them, a bed that's not on the floor, SOME MUTHAFUCKING POTS AND PANS, curtains - things that we have just gone without.
But in six months? At this point, we're kinda afraid to spend our salary.  I keep wanting to hoard it in savings. What if it goes away? What if my new awesome company decides that hate me suddenly. Just kidding, we don't want you.

So now, I've gained some of my self worth back with making money, I'm still depressed as hell. Miss home, and wonder what the am I doing in my marriage.

Here's the problem. I don't have an outside perspective or anyone to talk to about my marriage. I'm not allowed to. Any martial problems have to be discussed with my husband, and never with anyone else. I've always felt that was wrong, and a few times I have talked to others, I get yelled at and told our problems are not their business. I often wonder why we've lasted this long. I also wonder if I'm being mentally abused.  But, without anyone to talk to about it, I think I'm just being dramatic and making shit up.  Lately, I feel really uncomfortable with who I am married to.  It's things that are red flags. Things I read about other women have went through and call their exes abusers.  But, mine doesn't view what he is doing as wrong. he feels that he is normal and that I am the crazy one.  like right now, I feel that that everything I've written so far needs to be deleted and my questions hid from the world.  I know that if hubs read this, I'd be in for a good verbal shake down.  He's never been physically abusive, and I think this is where it's all messed up in my head.  Lately, he's been very insistent that I get "healthy".  I feel that every food choice I make is wrong. Because I'm not eating healthy. I'm chunky. I don't want to get up at 6am and do yoga.  He's lost 100lbs. I'm proud of him. But it's become unbearable.  I'm not physically good enough for him.  His favorite phrase is "I'm attracted to femininity".  I'm not a feminine woman. Never never have been. I'm not going to where dresses and tights and dress up for his fantasies.  We already only have sex once a month, and it's on his terms. It's my fault we don't have more sex because I "don't take care of myself" and I'm not feminine.

Even though both of us now make similar amounts of money. We both work full time, it's still my job to keep the house. He thinks that he does dishes once a week and that he cooks his meals He doesn't have to do anything else. We both work full time, yet after dinner and until bed time, he's watching youtube, and I'm cleaning. I do the laundry. I vacuum. I have just as much free time as he does, yet he can't be bothered to help more than the one day that I work and he doesn't? That's not really am I abused issues. That's more of a learning to live together thing, though.

I can't decide if I'm crazy or not.

I did a thing. A 1,000 mile thing.

The rumors and social media are true. I moved my ass halfway across the country this year! I went from living in the beautiful Appalachian Mountains, to living a a city with 1.4 million people right smack dab in the middle of the country, with not a damn mountain in sight.

So at last check in, I was working an off season job at the mall and my husband was once again unemployed.

Well, for some reason or other, he finally, after years and years, got his head out of his ass and decided he was tired of living life we were. He went out, got a good paying job that he was good at. He took that job, while also applying and interviewing with for his dream job. So he busted ass for 3 months, saved every penny. And I went back to school and learned more about computer coding. He landed his dream job, and my husband moved across the country on his own, with no furniture, no car and no me.  We lived 1,000 miles apart for two months. I finished up the first half my certificate program, dropped out, and I also had to sign over my thriving nonprofit I created last year, and I turned down my dream job of park director for my previous year's park, and I moved in with him in May.

So now, we're 1,000 miles away from my family, all my networking contacts, all my friends, my business. Everything. I hate it. I love that my husband has finally landed his dream job. I'm thrilled he's finally making good money. I love that we have our own place again, even if we are lacking some furniture, and are in desperate need of pots and pans. I love that I finally have some distance from my family's drama. What I hate is that I'm so isolated from everyone and everything I love, besides him.  I hate that I'm missing important events in my sibling's lives. I miss the birth of my baby brother's daughter. My grandmother is still deathly sick.  I am the one that's not a part of these things anymore.

I'm depressed as hell. I used to think that all our problems and my depression would be solved if we were no longer poor and were no longer living in the spare bedroom of my in-laws' house. Apparently, I'm never satisfied. We may be lacking essential furniture, but now we're making decent money, and are saving and are bettering our lives. My husband has health insurance and a retirement. Our bills are paid on time and in full. We're actively saving. So money didn't solve my mental health issues.

Those have morphed into a different type of depression. I now have the depression where I'll hide in my closet and cry after my husband's asleep. When he's not home and I am, I just sit on the couch and cry.  I don't call my family as much as I should. Hell, I'm balling just typing about how much this sucks.  I'm lonely. I'm homesick.

I often wonder if I'm one of those brainwashed mentally abused wives, and I'm too stupid to realize it.