Issue Rundown

what to write???

I thought about an update on all my "issues" but that would be boring...

But, what else is there to do???

Issues #1) Gay Life
Nothing to update here...except I saw this cool bumper sticker at hot topic that said "Straight?? So are spaghetti noodles until they are heated up?" LOL.
Megan made a joke today. She said she tried to use it on me, but it didn't work...lol

Issue #2) Trans Life
Nothing much here. I've basically gave up on the whole idea, except for the way I dress. It's nothing big anymore. My family calls me Jai and he and shit, so it's no big deal...kind of boring now...oh well...

Issue #3) Family
Family is coming over Saturday for dinner...I hate my family. Last time we had a family get together, they told there disowned me because I hate Christians and am afraid of bibles and crosses, and because I’m a witch...always a lovely experience with my family.

Issue #4) My Birthday
15 days away!! I still hate it.

Issue #5) Jeep problem
I'm not getting one no matter what I do.

Issue #6) Driving problem
It's been more than a month since I got my license and I still can't drive. I hate it too.

Issue #7) Friends
Um...The only people I've talked to since the break was Chad, Buchii, and Andy. I was debating on having a b-day party and inviting my friends...but no one would show, so I've gave up hope on my friends.

Crying at Night

crying at night

suicidal

Why the fuck am I the one to get shit on all the time?
All I want to do is take Viktor to the vet and get him fixed. No big deal. I've had the damn appointment set for 3 weeks. I've been telling mom everyday she needs to stop at Wal-Mart on her way home from work and get a cat carrier. But low and behold she forgets every damn day. And now today she was off all day and she couldn't stop from her busy schedule of sleeping on the couch to take me to Wal-Mart. it takes a grand total of two hours to go buy what I need and come back. But no, she needs her damn sleep. It's not like 20 hours is too much. So now, 5 hours b4 I should leave to go to Huntington for Viktor’s surgery, she's still asleep. And she doesn't plan on going. Nothing I have to do is important for her. Nothing. I had a safety meeting today for my white water rafting trip. She wanted me to stay home and clean. That's all I am to her is a fucking cleaning lady who baby-sits. I've always been that. Nothing more. Nothing I want to do is important. If I had any other place to go I wouldn't be here. And I'll be damned if I'm moving back in with my Dad. I couldn't stand all the damn rules and all the damn kids. And being alone all week. I'm really pissed at my mom right now. So fucking pissed I was hiding under my pillows and blankets to cry w/o DeAnna hearing me. I hate how my parents treat me like shit, especially Mom. I'm not important to her. I'm not important at all to anyone. SO here it is 10 o clock at night and I'm bawling my eyes out like a sissy girl b/c my cat get fixed. That's what it sounds like. It's more than that. I've realized again how unimportant I am to my mom. She's fucking asleep and the couch for the billionth time today.

Why does everything happen today?

I finally came clean to Kim about my gender issues. Yea. It went over real well. We almost broke up. Yea so I'm a girl and that's how it's going to forever be. No more short hair cuts and no more mens pants. Yea 100 % girl for now on. I think I'd rather shoot myself.

I think I'll go drink the chemicals under the sink now.

Mirrors and Showers

Just took a shower...
Mood creative

I took a shower and while I was in there, I thought of some poetry I couldn't resist writing down.
What I have so far...


I look in the mirror
and there I am
staring back at me
But who is in the Mirror?
It's not me!
I don't recognize you.
Where did you come from?

I step into the shower, naked.
Whose body is this?
This isn't mine.
I see hips, small feet, and tits.
All of my feminity is exposed
But whose body is this?

If you look deep into my eyes.
Look past the face.
You'll realize
I'm here, trapped in this place.

Who do I see in the mirror?
I see Michelle, a girl without a soul.
Who do I want to see?
I want to see Jai.