Let's talk about Bi-Erasure

I recently learned, today in fact, that there is a term for some of the frustrations I have with my life.

That term is bierasure.

So if you dont know what that is, here's Google's answer: "Bisexual erasure or bisexual invisibility is the tendency to ignore, remove, falsify, or reexplain evidence of bisexuality in history, academia, the news media, and other primary sources. In its most extreme form, bisexual erasure can include the denial that bisexuality exists."

But boil that down to what it means to my life, it means erasing part of who I am as a person, just for the sake of convenience and society pressure.

I am a bi woman married to a straight man. Yes, I can enjoy all the privledges that straight white couples do. Yes, I enjoy my husband and we could theoretically reproduce. I am in no way ashamed of being married to my husband. I could theoretically live the rest my life having sex with the same male person.

BUT. These things do not negate who I am. If you've read my blog going all the way back to 2002/2003, you know I spent most of my teenage years dating a girl and a good portion of that time coming to terms with being a lesbian or possibly trans. I spent almost two years living as Jai. Teenage years are hard. And then when that relationship failed, I began dating this guy, and I had a bigger freak out about dating this guy in terms of who I am and my sexuality than I did when I started dating my ex-girlfriend. Finding who you are is tough.  It was tough in the 2000s when the LGBT movement was first gaining ground and public awareness. And it's tough now as a 30s adult.
I feel like I worked hard at becoming who I am, accepting who I am, and having gone through the process of coming out as a teenager (who was lucky with loving parents), I don't think I should have to hide who I am.
My experiences and preferences should not be belittled because now I am married to a man.  Yet, most everyone in the know even my ex-girlfriend considers it a phase or "it didn't count cause we were teenage girls".
I hate to break it to ya, but I still tickle the little man in the boat to girls. My eyes still follow those hot runner chicks at the park. I still, even as a married woman, develop crushes on other females. Just because I am in a monogamous relationship, does not negate who I find sexually attractive. It does, however, mean I will not step outside my marriage to fulfill those attractions.

Just a Little Help

Here's where I am in life right now.

Job accepted at a bigger park. 1.5 hour communte, like 60 miles away. $10 an hour. I did the math, and at this point, after all the deductions, I'll be bringing home (to pay bills with) $30 more week than what I currently do on unemployment.  Job Before, no benefits, no deductions, seasonal only. Bring home pay around $340 a week. Now, bring home pay about $250 a week. insurance, retirement, full time. year round.  Beggars can't be chosers, and some work is better than no work. Fine, I'll do it. Get 1st paycheck in a month.

Hubs is now in the process of getting his teaching license. Has job offer substituting. $90 licensing fees. Will be called at 5am for assignments to any school within our county. Can't start working until those are paid.

fine.

Now,  big problem. 1 car. Car that is not up to such a long commute everyday for me due to age, and the snow where I'll be working. Big mountains to cross. Tiny car. And it's my 30th birthday, which means my drivers license is expired.

Ugh.

Financial situation. Storage is about to be auctioned off. (that's where I keep all our stuff since we live with his parents ) Cell Phones are disconnected. My school bill is a month past due. His bills are 2 months past due. Car tire bill is 3 months past. Total moneys needed to bring all current. $900.

Need second car.
Need to keep these jobs.
Need to not lose everything we own.
Need not to be kicked out (which I get the feeling we are close to being)

If we can make it through the next few months, we will be on a path to better things, like stability.

Getting through will probably be one of the biggest hurdles we've ever faced. Cause there's hope at the end. When we became homeless before, we had no hope. Now we can see the path. and all these hurdles seem so much higher to jump.

How do people make it with no outside help? It's fucking hard.

I'm looking at using the bus to get to work so hubs can use the car for his job. I'm looking at a 3 hour commute in the mornings and no return trip. (busses stop at 7, and I'll be getting off work at 7:30-8)

Dealing with Death

Dealing with death or impending death of a loved one while also dealing with your own mind can be it's own special kind of torment.

Silence

I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts (and sometimes actions) for 16 years now. It's not a widely known issue for me. I tend to keep all this bottled up and then sometimes posted on this blog, never on my social media accounts.

The Misadventures of Going Into Business with Family

One big life goal of mine is to own my own business. A legit brick and mortar shop shop.

Mission accomplished. I went into business with my mother and opened a local home decor shop. And it's been one big horrible mistake.

It's been a bad day

I have never wanted to drive headfirst into a telephone pole more in my life than I want to today.

The Itch

I have this itch in my brain or under my skin. It's hard to place. It's unsettling. I've felt it before, usually when I'm about to do something stupid, make a poor decision, or in general do something I know will hurt my life goals. This itch, it's like a thought, or a feeling. It always is whispering to me. Its not very nice. It makes me question what I want in life. It makes me ask myself, am I happy? do I enjoy where my life is? Do I enjoy the people in my life? This itch, it's an evil thing. It comes about every so often. It forces me to change jobs, question my marriage, and distance myself from my family. I fight it. I hate it. This thing that tells me that I'm better off alone. I'm better off if I leave it all behind. It tells me to run. to get into my car and never come back. This itch, it fights against what my life is. It tells me things can be better. That I can go where I want, and do what I want, be what I want. It tells me these lies. and I hate it. for giving me false hope, for making me question, for making uncomfortable. I wish it would go away. This itch always feel like If I just scratch it, I'll have an epiphany, It'll be better. It's a lie. Scratching the itch always makes life worse. It means going days without eating. It means fighting with my love. It means uncertainty. Scratching is the worse thing I could do. I know it is. I've fought this evil thing. It's a war I'm waging. I've lost battles here and there, I'll admit. I think, just a little scratch and it'll go away. No, it doesn't work like that. This war that I fight against the itch. It's taking its toll on me. I'm so very tired of it whispers. So very tired of the circular thinking. So very tired of trying. So tired in fact, that I don't have the will to fight it or to not fight it. I'll just let it buzz under my skin, ignoring it. Repress. Repress, repress. It's the only way to not upset the stalemate it and I have. I'll let it whisper. I'll let it spin it's web of glittery lies. It can speak, but I don't have to listen.

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