I'm sort of depressed tonight...I wish Stephen
would call so I can tell him I've devised a plan where he can go to the
dance...told you I was depressed...
Song 1 - Failed Suicide (I wrote this in July)
I welcome death.
The metal is cold as it slides across my breast.
Blood leaks from my flesh
As I carve your name
Feel my pain
Another cut, another scar
Breathing underwat-ar
A quick slash, a car crash
All these times, it was failed suicide
I want to die!
I could do it
I could do it
My hair is brushed.
My heart is crushed.
The rope calls to me.
Suspended, I try to breathe.
A crack, A creak.
I fall to the floor.
Another cut, another scar
Breathing underwat-ar
A quick slash, a car crash
All these times, it was failed suicide
I want to die!
I could do it
I could do it
Another cut, another scar
A personal blog exploring living with Bipoloar Disorder Type 2 through writing and creative outlets.
Saturday, December 18, 2004
Confusion
I'm really confused right now...
Kimi and I broke up, yes? Okay, why do I feel so jealous when she wanted to ask Michael out? Jealous? Why? Why did I stop her? Why did I ask her back out? Why? I don't want to be with her! I have gotten myself into some shit. I really care for her, but we are not meant to be at all. And especially lately. Why??? WHY? WHY?!
I just want to smack myself for being so double sided. I make myself angry! I don't want her to date other people? Why should I have any say so in that if we are broke up? I'm just so angry at myself. I want someone else that is not her! Which leads me to my other problem...am I gay or am I straight? I had this dilemma back in June...same person...so angry...so confused...I feel like hitting something, and crying all at once...confused...might as well give it up and sleep in the bed that I made for myself...
Kimi and I broke up, yes? Okay, why do I feel so jealous when she wanted to ask Michael out? Jealous? Why? Why did I stop her? Why did I ask her back out? Why? I don't want to be with her! I have gotten myself into some shit. I really care for her, but we are not meant to be at all. And especially lately. Why??? WHY? WHY?!
I just want to smack myself for being so double sided. I make myself angry! I don't want her to date other people? Why should I have any say so in that if we are broke up? I'm just so angry at myself. I want someone else that is not her! Which leads me to my other problem...am I gay or am I straight? I had this dilemma back in June...same person...so angry...so confused...I feel like hitting something, and crying all at once...confused...might as well give it up and sleep in the bed that I made for myself...
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Issue Rundown
what to write???
I thought about an update on all my "issues" but that would be boring...
But, what else is there to do???
Issues #1) Gay Life
Nothing to update here...except I saw this cool bumper sticker at hot topic that said "Straight?? So are spaghetti noodles until they are heated up?" LOL.
Megan made a joke today. She said she tried to use it on me, but it didn't work...lol
Issue #2) Trans Life
Nothing much here. I've basically gave up on the whole idea, except for the way I dress. It's nothing big anymore. My family calls me Jai and he and shit, so it's no big deal...kind of boring now...oh well...
Issue #3) Family
Family is coming over Saturday for dinner...I hate my family. Last time we had a family get together, they told there disowned me because I hate Christians and am afraid of bibles and crosses, and because I’m a witch...always a lovely experience with my family.
Issue #4) My Birthday
15 days away!! I still hate it.
Issue #5) Jeep problem
I'm not getting one no matter what I do.
Issue #6) Driving problem
It's been more than a month since I got my license and I still can't drive. I hate it too.
Issue #7) Friends
Um...The only people I've talked to since the break wasChad , Buchii, and Andy. I was
debating on having a b-day party and inviting my friends...but no one would
show, so I've gave up hope on my friends.
I thought about an update on all my "issues" but that would be boring...
But, what else is there to do???
Issues #1) Gay Life
Nothing to update here...except I saw this cool bumper sticker at hot topic that said "Straight?? So are spaghetti noodles until they are heated up?" LOL.
Megan made a joke today. She said she tried to use it on me, but it didn't work...lol
Issue #2) Trans Life
Nothing much here. I've basically gave up on the whole idea, except for the way I dress. It's nothing big anymore. My family calls me Jai and he and shit, so it's no big deal...kind of boring now...oh well...
Issue #3) Family
Family is coming over Saturday for dinner...I hate my family. Last time we had a family get together, they told there disowned me because I hate Christians and am afraid of bibles and crosses, and because I’m a witch...always a lovely experience with my family.
Issue #4) My Birthday
15 days away!! I still hate it.
Issue #5) Jeep problem
I'm not getting one no matter what I do.
Issue #6) Driving problem
It's been more than a month since I got my license and I still can't drive. I hate it too.
Issue #7) Friends
Um...The only people I've talked to since the break was
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Another Night
so here I sit, with my bowl of fruit loops and my mountain
dew.
I sit here waiting for you to show, but you never do.
I waste my night waiting on you.
You.
You are unaware. You don't know I'm here.
You don't know why I sit here and wait for you.
Just to see you type lol and :) over and over again.
How can I waste away my life waiting on this internet for someone so far away? For someone who I'll never see except in pictures. For someone the by my own laws of love and sexuality I am forbidden to like. I will not say love. I love only one at a time, but why do I desire an encounter with you?
I sit here waiting for you to show, but you never do.
I waste my night waiting on you.
You.
You are unaware. You don't know I'm here.
You don't know why I sit here and wait for you.
Just to see you type lol and :) over and over again.
How can I waste away my life waiting on this internet for someone so far away? For someone who I'll never see except in pictures. For someone the by my own laws of love and sexuality I am forbidden to like. I will not say love. I love only one at a time, but why do I desire an encounter with you?
Saturday, September 4, 2004
Beginning of Junior Year
so school is hard this year.
In AP English, We have to read 5 chapter every night. That gets tiresome, especially when I am working from when I get in to dark on the house and my car. tiresome...
AP Calculus is a joke! The moist advanced class atGuyan Valley
and all we do in there is color Tiki Men. ha!
So...I'm the Editor of the yearbook, s\no problem and great for my transcript. There are 5 seniors in that class. Two of them are editor and one of them have been in it since 10th grade. That one is very pissed at me b/c I’m editor and it's only my second year and editor is supposed to go to a senior. She cussed me out today because I made a list of themes and gave them to the class, edited some proofs, and graded planners. Grr. It's for my grade anyways. pisses me off because she won't respect the fact that I work a lot harder than she does and I got it and not her. :-P so screw her. if she doesn't like, I’ll just not turn in a grade for her.
Physics is cool.
Speech sucks, but it's just another class.
Art is cool, except that I’m in there with a bunch of 9th/10th graders...
so...I got kit on by 3 guys this week...well in one day. "Brandon " (I blew him many years ago and
he can't accept the fact that I’m gay...)He sat with me on the bus and noticed
how my tits had disappeared...I said I know. he asked if I wanted to meet him
anywhere later...I said that's kind of gay... and I got off the bus...
Then this guy I used to be fuck buddies with but never dated came over and brought a friend...lol like that was going to happen...
What I can't understand is other than the fact they still try to get in my pants even though I look nothing like the girl they liked and I've been an out lesbian for years...confusing.
So.....I've been having these sleeping problems lately...two days this week I feel asleep while I was doing something. The first day I was lying on the floor playing with Viktor with a squeaky mouse thing and feel asleep on the floor. The second day yesterday, I was lying on the couch in my room drying Viktor off from his bath and I feel asleep and slept until this morning. I was even late for school. It's kind of scaring me b/c Mom does that all the time b/c her blood sugar is all fucked up. I don't want to be like my mom falling asleep while driving and talking. Just yesterday (I heard about this morning from DeeDee) that Mom fell asleep while sitting on the porch talking to our neighbors. scares me.
My arthritis in my right hand has been acting up all week. I think it is from holding a pencil so much. I can't hold small things. my hands have been so stiff and sore..
Damn I have a lot of medical problems...fucked up blood, fucked up liver, fucked up kidneys, fucked up hands, fucked up brain, I’m just screwed...it's a wonder I dun have aids or something...but that
is another story.
SO...
In AP English, We have to read 5 chapter every night. That gets tiresome, especially when I am working from when I get in to dark on the house and my car. tiresome...
AP Calculus is a joke! The moist advanced class at
So...I'm the Editor of the yearbook, s\no problem and great for my transcript. There are 5 seniors in that class. Two of them are editor and one of them have been in it since 10th grade. That one is very pissed at me b/c I’m editor and it's only my second year and editor is supposed to go to a senior. She cussed me out today because I made a list of themes and gave them to the class, edited some proofs, and graded planners. Grr. It's for my grade anyways. pisses me off because she won't respect the fact that I work a lot harder than she does and I got it and not her. :-P so screw her. if she doesn't like, I’ll just not turn in a grade for her.
Physics is cool.
Speech sucks, but it's just another class.
Art is cool, except that I’m in there with a bunch of 9th/10th graders...
so...I got kit on by 3 guys this week...well in one day. "
Then this guy I used to be fuck buddies with but never dated came over and brought a friend...lol like that was going to happen...
What I can't understand is other than the fact they still try to get in my pants even though I look nothing like the girl they liked and I've been an out lesbian for years...confusing.
So.....I've been having these sleeping problems lately...two days this week I feel asleep while I was doing something. The first day I was lying on the floor playing with Viktor with a squeaky mouse thing and feel asleep on the floor. The second day yesterday, I was lying on the couch in my room drying Viktor off from his bath and I feel asleep and slept until this morning. I was even late for school. It's kind of scaring me b/c Mom does that all the time b/c her blood sugar is all fucked up. I don't want to be like my mom falling asleep while driving and talking. Just yesterday (I heard about this morning from DeeDee) that Mom fell asleep while sitting on the porch talking to our neighbors. scares me.
My arthritis in my right hand has been acting up all week. I think it is from holding a pencil so much. I can't hold small things. my hands have been so stiff and sore..
Damn I have a lot of medical problems...fucked up blood, fucked up liver, fucked up kidneys, fucked up hands, fucked up brain, I’m just screwed...it's a wonder I dun have aids or something...but that
is another story.
SO...
Friday, August 13, 2004
Crying at Night
crying at night
suicidal
Why the fuck am I the one to get shit on all the time?
All I want to do is take Viktor to the vet and get him fixed. No big deal. I've had the damn appointment set for 3 weeks. I've been telling mom everyday she needs to stop at Wal-Mart on her way home from work and get a cat carrier. But low and behold she forgets every damn day. And now today she was off all day and she couldn't stop from her busy schedule of sleeping on the couch to take me to Wal-Mart. it takes a grand total of two hours to go buy what I need and come back. But no, she needs her damn sleep. It's not like 20 hours is too much. So now, 5 hours b4 I should leave to go toHuntington for Viktor’s surgery, she's still
asleep. And she doesn't plan on going. Nothing I have to do is important for
her. Nothing. I had a safety meeting today for my white water rafting trip. She
wanted me to stay home and clean. That's all I am to her is a fucking cleaning
lady who baby-sits. I've always been that. Nothing more. Nothing I want to do
is important. If I had any other place to go I wouldn't be here. And I'll be
damned if I'm moving back in with my Dad. I couldn't stand all the damn rules
and all the damn kids. And being alone all week. I'm really pissed at my mom
right now. So fucking pissed I was hiding under my pillows and blankets to cry
w/o DeAnna hearing me. I hate how my parents treat me like shit, especially Mom.
I'm not important to her. I'm not important at all to anyone. SO here it is 10
o clock at night and I'm bawling my eyes out like a sissy girl b/c my cat get
fixed. That's what it sounds like. It's more than that. I've realized again how
unimportant I am to my mom. She's fucking asleep and the couch for the billionth
time today.
Why does everything happen today?
I finally came clean to Kim about my gender issues. Yea. It went over real well. We almost broke up. Yea so I'm a girl and that's how it's going to forever be. No more short hair cuts and no more mens pants. Yea 100 % girl for now on. I think I'd rather shoot myself.
All I want to do is take Viktor to the vet and get him fixed. No big deal. I've had the damn appointment set for 3 weeks. I've been telling mom everyday she needs to stop at Wal-Mart on her way home from work and get a cat carrier. But low and behold she forgets every damn day. And now today she was off all day and she couldn't stop from her busy schedule of sleeping on the couch to take me to Wal-Mart. it takes a grand total of two hours to go buy what I need and come back. But no, she needs her damn sleep. It's not like 20 hours is too much. So now, 5 hours b4 I should leave to go to
Why does everything happen today?
I finally came clean to Kim about my gender issues. Yea. It went over real well. We almost broke up. Yea so I'm a girl and that's how it's going to forever be. No more short hair cuts and no more mens pants. Yea 100 % girl for now on. I think I'd rather shoot myself.
I think I'll go drink the chemicals under the sink now.
Friday, July 23, 2004
Mirrors and Showers
Just took a shower...
Mood creative
I took a shower and while I was in there, I thought of some poetry I couldn't resist writing down.
What I have so far...
I look in the mirror
and there I am
staring back at me
But who is in the Mirror?
It's not me!
I don't recognize you.
Where did you come from?
I step into the shower, naked.
Whose body is this?
This isn't mine.
I see hips, small feet, and tits.
All of my feminity is exposed
But whose body is this?
If you look deep into my eyes.
Look past the face.
You'll realize
I'm here, trapped in this place.
Who do I see in the mirror?
I see Michelle, a girl without a soul.
Who do I want to see?
I want to see Jai.
Mood creative
I took a shower and while I was in there, I thought of some poetry I couldn't resist writing down.
What I have so far...
I look in the mirror
and there I am
staring back at me
But who is in the Mirror?
It's not me!
I don't recognize you.
Where did you come from?
I step into the shower, naked.
Whose body is this?
This isn't mine.
I see hips, small feet, and tits.
All of my feminity is exposed
But whose body is this?
If you look deep into my eyes.
Look past the face.
You'll realize
I'm here, trapped in this place.
Who do I see in the mirror?
I see Michelle, a girl without a soul.
Who do I want to see?
I want to see Jai.
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