Failed Suicide

I'm sort of depressed tonight...I wish Stephen would call so I can tell him I've devised a plan where he can go to the dance...told you I was depressed...

Song 1 - Failed Suicide (I wrote this in July)
I welcome death.
The metal is cold as it slides across my breast.
Blood leaks from my flesh
As I carve your name
Feel my pain

Another cut, another scar
Breathing underwat-ar
A quick slash, a car crash
All these times, it was failed suicide
I want to die!
I could do it
I could do it

My hair is brushed.
My heart is crushed.
The rope calls to me.
Suspended, I try to breathe.
A crack, A creak.
I fall to the floor.

Another cut, another scar
Breathing underwat-ar
A quick slash, a car crash
All these times, it was failed suicide
I want to die!
I could do it
I could do it

Another cut, another scar

Confusion

I'm really confused right now...

Kimi and I broke up, yes? Okay, why do I feel so jealous when she wanted to ask Michael out? Jealous? Why? Why did I stop her? Why did I ask her back out? Why? I don't want to be with her! I have gotten myself into some shit. I really care for her, but we are not meant to be at all. And especially lately. Why??? WHY? WHY?!
I just want to smack myself for being so double sided. I make myself angry! I don't want her to date other people? Why should I have any say so in that if we are broke up? I'm just so angry at myself. I want someone else that is not her! Which leads me to my other problem...am I gay or am I straight? I had this dilemma back in June...same person...so angry...so confused...I feel like hitting something, and crying all at once...confused...might as well give it up and sleep in the bed that I made for myself...

Issue Rundown

what to write???

I thought about an update on all my "issues" but that would be boring...

But, what else is there to do???

Issues #1) Gay Life
Nothing to update here...except I saw this cool bumper sticker at hot topic that said "Straight?? So are spaghetti noodles until they are heated up?" LOL.
Megan made a joke today. She said she tried to use it on me, but it didn't work...lol

Issue #2) Trans Life
Nothing much here. I've basically gave up on the whole idea, except for the way I dress. It's nothing big anymore. My family calls me Jai and he and shit, so it's no big deal...kind of boring now...oh well...

Issue #3) Family
Family is coming over Saturday for dinner...I hate my family. Last time we had a family get together, they told there disowned me because I hate Christians and am afraid of bibles and crosses, and because I’m a witch...always a lovely experience with my family.

Issue #4) My Birthday
15 days away!! I still hate it.

Issue #5) Jeep problem
I'm not getting one no matter what I do.

Issue #6) Driving problem
It's been more than a month since I got my license and I still can't drive. I hate it too.

Issue #7) Friends
Um...The only people I've talked to since the break was Chad, Buchii, and Andy. I was debating on having a b-day party and inviting my friends...but no one would show, so I've gave up hope on my friends.

Another Night

so here I sit, with my bowl of fruit loops and my mountain dew.
I sit here waiting for you to show, but you never do.
I waste my night waiting on you.
You.

You are unaware. You don't know I'm here.
You don't know why I sit here and wait for you.
Just to see you type lol and :) over and over again.

How can I waste away my life waiting on this internet for someone so far away? For someone who I'll never see except in pictures. For someone the by my own laws of love and sexuality I am forbidden to like. I will not say love. I love only one at a time, but why do I desire an encounter with you?