Let's Recap 2018

2018 has been a good year to me mental health wise.

It started off a bit rocky, with a horribly long commute to what turned out to be a a horrible job that was severely underpaid. The first 3 months of this year sucked. I was in a supervisory role and worked under the most bitter angry person I've ever had the pleasure to be employed by. My final straw was me having a complete meltdown and anxiety attack over how this person was going to react to a fuckup while following their direct instructions, ignoring my own expertise with the subject. Dammit, I was right and they were wrong and the results were awful, like I knew they would be, but I still would get the blame for their awfulness. This person kept a journal of all the things I did wrong and they disliked about me. They straight up accused me of "fraternizing" with one of my teenage coworkers. Yeah, I had enough of that bullshit and left that job without notice as soon as I had another job lined up.

Turned out to be the best decision I made all year long.

I have spent the last 9 months working at yet another different park. And it was great. I enjoyed going to work, even working overtime. I enjoyed my coworkers and my boss. It truly has been one of the best places I've worked at. While they could not keep me past the end of the season, I left with a bid for a permanent position on file for when they start hiring in January. And an invitation to return to work in March in the same position if the bid doesn't work out.

I'm currently working a holiday job to make ends meet, but that's okay, it's just temporary. Plus, it's in a bookstore. So I think I'll be alright.

So job wise, all's been good mental health wise after I left a toxic environment.

Relationship wise, it's been kind of iffy. I am crazy in love with my husband, but I have been fighting doubts about our future for a few months. I'm not sure if I'm imagining things, making up problems where none exist, generally unhappy, if it's just stress, or if our relationship really does have my imagined problems. I don't have anyone to talk to about my worries, and no one I know even has a clue what a healthy relationship is. I fear bringing up my worries to my husband for fear of hurting his feelings and hurting his own insecure self image. But, at the same time, I kinda feel that I need to be (in)validated as well. I also fear that he won't truly listen and will be defensive. I mean, I do want to talk to him about things, and I know I should so they don't fester, and I don't want him to feel like I'm attacking him. He's a super smart dude, so even using "I statements" or "it makes me feel like x when you do y" statements isn't going to cut it. The psycho bullshit will be called out and the conversation escalated. I don't want to give the wrong impression to the internet, we do have a good solid marriage and 95% of the time, it is rainbows and unicorns. Except like lately, when I'm in a down cycle of my bipolar, he's unemployed, and holiday stress is getting ready to kick in.

Let's talk about Bi-Erasure

I recently learned, today in fact, that there is a term for some of the frustrations I have with my life.

That term is bierasure.

So if you dont know what that is, here's Google's answer: "Bisexual erasure or bisexual invisibility is the tendency to ignore, remove, falsify, or reexplain evidence of bisexuality in history, academia, the news media, and other primary sources. In its most extreme form, bisexual erasure can include the denial that bisexuality exists."

But boil that down to what it means to my life, it means erasing part of who I am as a person, just for the sake of convenience and society pressure.

I am a bi woman married to a straight man. Yes, I can enjoy all the privledges that straight white couples do. Yes, I enjoy my husband and we could theoretically reproduce. I am in no way ashamed of being married to my husband. I could theoretically live the rest my life having sex with the same male person.

BUT. These things do not negate who I am. If you've read my blog going all the way back to 2002/2003, you know I spent most of my teenage years dating a girl and a good portion of that time coming to terms with being a lesbian or possibly trans. I spent almost two years living as Jai. Teenage years are hard. And then when that relationship failed, I began dating this guy, and I had a bigger freak out about dating this guy in terms of who I am and my sexuality than I did when I started dating my ex-girlfriend. Finding who you are is tough.  It was tough in the 2000s when the LGBT movement was first gaining ground and public awareness. And it's tough now as a 30s adult.
I feel like I worked hard at becoming who I am, accepting who I am, and having gone through the process of coming out as a teenager (who was lucky with loving parents), I don't think I should have to hide who I am.
My experiences and preferences should not be belittled because now I am married to a man.  Yet, most everyone in the know even my ex-girlfriend considers it a phase or "it didn't count cause we were teenage girls".
I hate to break it to ya, but I still tickle the little man in the boat to girls. My eyes still follow those hot runner chicks at the park. I still, even as a married woman, develop crushes on other females. Just because I am in a monogamous relationship, does not negate who I find sexually attractive. It does, however, mean I will not step outside my marriage to fulfill those attractions.

Just a Little Help

Here's where I am in life right now.

Job accepted at a bigger park. 1.5 hour communte, like 60 miles away. $10 an hour. I did the math, and at this point, after all the deductions, I'll be bringing home (to pay bills with) $30 more week than what I currently do on unemployment.  Job Before, no benefits, no deductions, seasonal only. Bring home pay around $340 a week. Now, bring home pay about $250 a week. insurance, retirement, full time. year round.  Beggars can't be chosers, and some work is better than no work. Fine, I'll do it. Get 1st paycheck in a month.

Hubs is now in the process of getting his teaching license. Has job offer substituting. $90 licensing fees. Will be called at 5am for assignments to any school within our county. Can't start working until those are paid.

fine.

Now,  big problem. 1 car. Car that is not up to such a long commute everyday for me due to age, and the snow where I'll be working. Big mountains to cross. Tiny car. And it's my 30th birthday, which means my drivers license is expired.

Ugh.

Financial situation. Storage is about to be auctioned off. (that's where I keep all our stuff since we live with his parents ) Cell Phones are disconnected. My school bill is a month past due. His bills are 2 months past due. Car tire bill is 3 months past. Total moneys needed to bring all current. $900.

Need second car.
Need to keep these jobs.
Need to not lose everything we own.
Need not to be kicked out (which I get the feeling we are close to being)

If we can make it through the next few months, we will be on a path to better things, like stability.

Getting through will probably be one of the biggest hurdles we've ever faced. Cause there's hope at the end. When we became homeless before, we had no hope. Now we can see the path. and all these hurdles seem so much higher to jump.

How do people make it with no outside help? It's fucking hard.

I'm looking at using the bus to get to work so hubs can use the car for his job. I'm looking at a 3 hour commute in the mornings and no return trip. (busses stop at 7, and I'll be getting off work at 7:30-8)

Dealing with Death

Dealing with death or impending death of a loved one while also dealing with your own mind can be it's own special kind of torment.