I got married today.

This post added later to clarify timelines.

Brian and I got married today.

College Woes

Well, this school thing might work out and it might now. I had so many aspirations for college, planned for since grade school, always secretly smart, did lots of extracurriculars (even though they weren't that honorable...y6earbook, raze, hats, softball, band...and I sucked at all of them), got great test scores. Planned fo cllege real well, made sure my parents didn'tmake too much money or financial aid, got 2 great cholarships...one 12,500 dollars. Ad what Do I do with this well thought out event in life? I screw it up, like I do every thing else. I decided no o go to my dream school in Shepherdstown, the one I shoveddwn my parent's throats, made them visit at least 3 times, and itbeing 8 hours away, and th on I got the 12500 dollars scholarship to, I passed drumline auditions and as going to be on oneof the greatest drumlines ever, hadt set up to graduate in three years...Guezz I fucked that one up. 2 weeks before classes start I decide to go to Marshall to "stay with Steve". They have nothing on me there, none of my previos college grades, too late to do band, too late to get ay scholarshipsother than promise. To late. I hate that School. I swore up andDown I woldnot go, nomatter what. Well, I'm still here. Back o the story, went to classesfor about 3 months, quit going in October, failed them all. Got kicked out for the spring on accident. They didn't calculate the4.0 I had from my other college. That would've savd me. So now I am going to summer school to jus catch up on that fal semester. I am still a freshman to beat itall. I wanted to succeed. I always let others inadvertantly decide wha I am going to do with mylife. I am an Acounting major because Journalism was a valid major for my parents, The Pay didn't justify the cost of college. I didn't go t my colege because I decided not to due to Steve's lac of intelligence, and Marshall and Concord were the only places he got accepted to. I just feel that my life is run by others. I never think about what is good for me, what good for us or what's best for them. It's a bad habit, I know. But I'm actually a caring person like that. I would give a random stranger my kidneys without thinking of the consequences. I never think. And I can't say no. I'm just nice like that.

Brian

This post added later to clarify timelines.

 I broke up with Stephen for Brian, our roommate and Stephen's friend.

Oops.

Save the Tacos

I find simple joys in life. I will tell you today's story. I was pulling into the garage to park my car, so Steve could go to class. I say to him "I think it's going to rain." This is about 5:50 this afternoon. I grab my waterproof jacket as I get out of my car. I don't think Steve understood me when I told him that it was raining, or he was spaced out, like he does. Anyways, we get to the bottom of the garage and it's raining out. Steve is holding our bag of tacos we had just bought at taco bell. well, it's not rainign hard. we dart across traffic cause I had spaed out crossing the street, and was standing there talking to Steve in the middle of Third Avenue. So, we run over to one of the dorms that has a porch. It's raining like crazy now. Steve makes me put my laptop in his bookbag so it doesn't get wet, because my bookbag is fishnet and has holes in it. Steve is still holding our bag of tacos. I put them under my jacket. My belly was really warm. We walk as fast as we could to the student center. By the time we get there, we are soaked. I am wearing pink pants, and you could totally see my underwear through them. lol. We get under the ledge and shake off to dry a bit. I unzip my jacket and there are the tacos. All i could say was "At least the tacos are dry." Lol. It made my day.

Senior Year

Well, It's a new year and I find myself hating school as bad as ever and I'm not really digging my life either. Okay, it's Thursday afternoon, and I'm sitting in a godforsaken library in Hamlin with a bunch of old ladies who smell like adult diapers. O.o
Anyways...I'm really disliking school. I go for 3 hours. woo. I thought it would be great to have co-op...go to 4 classes then leave. Well, I hate my job, too. Well, it's not that bad, I just hate having to drive to Hamlin everyday just for a lousy 5.25 and hour. -.- School really sucks. There is no way I can possibly get out of AP lit. No way. General Barnett is so out to get me. She is trying every way possible to get me thrown out for my tardiness. ah..hem...I have no been on time but once this year, but it is still not her place to hunt me down and try to turn me in for truancy. Anyways, that's for skipping school. I go to school. I get there in the middle of first, but it is still not her business because she is my third period teacher. We had nominations for miss wildcat today. hooray. I was thinking of running, but Sandy fucked up the whole process. they just made a list of senior girls and we had to vote for someone. what a load of shit. And we don't even have class officers. grr... this school year has gone to crap. the only good thing is there are only 6 people in yearbook class. thank god.

Well, I’ve rattled and lost my train of thought...dammit.

3 Months

I haven’t really gone into any in depth here in along time. I really don't have anything to go in depth about. I'm such a shallow person. And another reason I don't have anything to go in depth about is I've been sorta sad lately. Actually more blah. I'm a really boring person. I don't do anything anymore. I go to school, go to practice go home and wait for Steve to call. Is that boring or what. I haven't done anything in forever. I haven't been to the mall since December. That makes me sad. I haven't even been to Wal-Mart since before Christmas. Man am I lame. I haven't had any fun with myself or my family in a long time. I haven't gone out with them in forever. I haven't been out at all. Makes me sad.

Oh and I thought I was going to get that pretty prom dress. My dad was going to buy it for me this weekend, but instead, I chose to buy myself new softball equipment instead. That's lame. I decided to spend 100 bucks on softball crap and go out in a few weeks to the mall and buy a dress that's not so spectacular. :( Makes me sad, but I can't help being cheap like that. 100 for softball stuff, 150 for dress. or 0 softball stuff and 300 on dress. I really need new softball crap, I don't need a dress. I guess it will all work out, hopefully.

I am so tired!!!!

Steve stayed with me Saturday night. We stayed up till 2 watching Saw. That movie was sort of freaky. The lights were on, so it wasn't that bad.
I had a great time with Steve this weekend, it was wonderful. ...I miss my Steve...wah!!! Anyways, We woke at 7 on Sunday. Yea, 7. how stupid. Anyways, I crawled on the couch with him. he he. Anyways, we had to take him home at noon. On the way there, I fell Asleep on Steve and drooled all over his coat. aww... Anyways, after I dropped Steve off, I feel asleep and slept until 7:30 last night, then I went to my mom's and went back to sleep. I was so tired. He wore me out. Funny thing is he went home and slept too. lol. Anyways, I'm still tired.

Update on Awesome

OH MY F'ING GAWD!!!

Sunday was so fucking awesome! :) I went to Stephen and we hung out all day. *evil tehehe* :-P Yea.


Anyways, been awhile since I made a really long post about feelings and stuff, 'because I've been too busy being happy to actually type anything or even think. So It's Monday and Monday's suck, so I will ramble about some of what I am feeling about different things in my life.

...

here I go

...


1) I moved back in with Mom like last Monday, just the day after I moved out. Well, our relationship is a bit strained right now. I can understand why, too. She is adjusting to a new me. She hasn't seen me be like how I am in a long time. She's still getting used to the idea that I have a boyfriend and I'm 17, so that makes it all okay to do what ever I want...a little note here....She was pregnant and Married at 17...so she's a hypocrite to a point. Anyways, work is killing her too. It's been going better now that she fired her Asst. Manager, but now her Super is a big ass. Anyways, her company is so bitchy. She's having surgery on the 24th on her wisdom teeth, then the week after they are removing more than half of her bottom teeth b/c another dentist fucked them up a year ago. Now she's has to get fake teeth. It's going to be weird having Mom with no teeth for about 3 weeks until her gums heal. She won't be able to talk. Maybe we won't yell at each other as much. Things will get better between us.

2) My feelings concerning Kimi are still a little mixed. I mean, I know I am with Stephen and I love him and all, but I see Kimi everyday. I guess it's where I used to love her. Okay, actually that's all bullshit, cause she really PISSES me off. She likes to ruin people's lives, and now she's plotting with her friends to ruin this guy's relationship with his girlfriend, just so Kimi can have him. Okay, she should just wait in line like everyone else has too, instead of ruining one relationship. She's evil, vindictive, manipulative, and a liar on most things. I don't like seeing things like that go down, especially by what I thought were good people. LIE! well, anyway, I think Kimi and I are friends, I think. It's more than a little strained, because she makes me really angry and brings the worst side out of me. She knows how to push my buttons to get what she wants. She knows how to make me angry and how to make me really sad. And there's three things that really piss me off a)dissing softball and my teammates b) dissing my friends/boyfriend c)playing with my feelings. Those things really piss me off. Okay, she knows how to get an argument out of me. And she tries to everyday. I am just so glad Chad's there in 4th to keep me away from her.

3) I think I've fallen in love with Stephen. Yea, so I've seen him once since we started dating, but yesterday was really fun. We talk everynight. When I talk to him on the phone and when we're together, I'm so fucking happy. I just light up. When I'm talking about him, I get so gleeful. And I'm just glad we think so much alike on much everything. We don't argue, and we make each other really happy. And there's something that he knows about me, that Kimi never knew. (sort of like how many different bed noises I can make...hehe) I'm just so happy. I'm still a bit nervous about like sex and stuff, because it's been 3 years for me, since I was with a guy. And now that there are feelings behind the actions, I'm getting all jittery. Yesterday was okay, but I think we both were nervous, because it had been a long time for him too. I'm afraid of it. a little bit. But, I am really happy to be with him.

I think I'm done for now...sorry for some TMI's.