Stupid Student Loan People

I'm just a tad pissed, so nothing may make sense.

I have consolidated all of my student loans. ALL of them. I have in my possession letters from all companies involved that my obligation to may them is over. I do not owe them ANY money. NONE. ZERO! I only owe my consolidation loan. that's it. period.  SO why is it that SALLIE MAE is still reporting to the National Student Loan Directory people that I owe them money? And that I'm in default? Especially when, I owe them nothing, and they sent me a letter saying I owe them nothing! The debt is paid.  SO, I call them and what do they tell me?  My account has been paid and closed.  And I should direct all questions to my consolidation loan company. THAT DOES NOT FUCKING HELP ME. IT IS SALLIE MAE REPORTING I OWE THEM, NOT MY NEW LOAN. AND THEY CAN'T FIX IT.  SO what does this mean? I'm still INELIGIBLE to receive student aid.  complete and total BULLSHIT.  It's not like I'm ever going back to school, but it still pisses me off. I work my ass off to have a better life. I want to get an education so I'm not working at GINO's for the rest of my stupid life. But let's face it, I'm not going back. It's never going to be financially okay to make myself better.  I'm not ever getting out of this stupid life of poverty.  IT FUCKING SUCKS. I try to fix things, they just get worse. SO fuck it all.

Empire pisses me off while Brian got a Job

Empire Books pisses me off that I go there, looking for a book that is a Mass Market and has just been released recently. They don't have it, they never have any book that I'm looking for. I don't believe I've actually bought anything in about 4 years, I've been in there plenty, with full intentions on spending money there. Nope, they obviously do not want my kind of business. And second, their whole trading policy is a crock. I will not leave my books with you for you to determine their value and then call in a few days to tell me what you will give me in store credit. No, no, and no. I want to trade them now, and I would like to use that credit now. I don't trust you to not loose them and short me. That sounds like an old person, but my books are my life. I don't trust anyone with them. I about have a heart attack when I do loan books out. And it breaks my heart that when they are returned they have been dogeared, laid face down, breaking or stretching their spine. My god, have some respect. So, no I will not trust a random person and business that I have faith in to do their crappy trading. Especially, a rude crappy person who represents their company with poor customer service and that has their nose so far in the air, they are sniffing at god's asshole. So, yea, I'm pissed and I'll just stay at my trusty Borders, where I walk in, pick my book up off the shelf, and purchase it with no attitude or problems.

And Brian has a job, which excites me.

New Year, New Me?

My new Anniversay - January 3rd, 2004!!!

Okays. I hate school. Period.

I hate being here. I
d much rather be home, talking on the phone to Stephen, but I am stuck here. Actually If I didn't go to school I'd figure someway to go to his place or him to mine. sort of miss him. sort of. Wow.

This is really strange for me. I haven't had a boyfriend in like 3 years and I'm excited and sort of scared all at the same time. My family is so happy that Kimi is finally gone, and I'm excited that I have Steve. SO excited. It's like I go to sleep thinking of him, partly because It's 2 am and we just got off the phone and partly because I am so FUCKING HAPPY! And Then I wake up and I remember what we were talking about and I smile. I actually smile. I'm such a romantic. lol.

It's really sad too. For some reason I can’t stop thinking about Kimi, about how I burnt everything she every gave, including the stuffed animals. I did that yesterday, btw. Awful smell and black smoke. And It's sad to think that we can't at least be friends, but when I think about it, I don't want to be friends. We aren't on talking terms. I'm sort of lonely, but it's over with her PERMANETLY. SHE pisses me off and I just want to beat her fucking. It's like she's stealing my friends. Okay, my back up plan at lunch has always been sit with Chad or Beth and heather, but now...Beth and heather have 2nd lunch and Kimi took up with Chad...And now, I don't guess I am even going to eat. Well, I will. I won't do that to myself over some stupid dyke. FUCK THIS SHIT. everyone is tired of hearing about her so FUCK her and all this BULLSHIT!


so...back to thinking happy naughty thoughts about Sunday...




















can't wait until Sunday...

Crying at Night

crying at night

suicidal

Why the fuck am I the one to get shit on all the time?
All I want to do is take Viktor to the vet and get him fixed. No big deal. I've had the damn appointment set for 3 weeks. I've been telling mom everyday she needs to stop at Wal-Mart on her way home from work and get a cat carrier. But low and behold she forgets every damn day. And now today she was off all day and she couldn't stop from her busy schedule of sleeping on the couch to take me to Wal-Mart. it takes a grand total of two hours to go buy what I need and come back. But no, she needs her damn sleep. It's not like 20 hours is too much. So now, 5 hours b4 I should leave to go to Huntington for Viktor’s surgery, she's still asleep. And she doesn't plan on going. Nothing I have to do is important for her. Nothing. I had a safety meeting today for my white water rafting trip. She wanted me to stay home and clean. That's all I am to her is a fucking cleaning lady who baby-sits. I've always been that. Nothing more. Nothing I want to do is important. If I had any other place to go I wouldn't be here. And I'll be damned if I'm moving back in with my Dad. I couldn't stand all the damn rules and all the damn kids. And being alone all week. I'm really pissed at my mom right now. So fucking pissed I was hiding under my pillows and blankets to cry w/o DeAnna hearing me. I hate how my parents treat me like shit, especially Mom. I'm not important to her. I'm not important at all to anyone. SO here it is 10 o clock at night and I'm bawling my eyes out like a sissy girl b/c my cat get fixed. That's what it sounds like. It's more than that. I've realized again how unimportant I am to my mom. She's fucking asleep and the couch for the billionth time today.

Why does everything happen today?

I finally came clean to Kim about my gender issues. Yea. It went over real well. We almost broke up. Yea so I'm a girl and that's how it's going to forever be. No more short hair cuts and no more mens pants. Yea 100 % girl for now on. I think I'd rather shoot myself.

I think I'll go drink the chemicals under the sink now.