Thursday, September 8, 2016

End of Summer

It is that time of year again, the end of the summer.

My summer was actually good. I enjoyed another season working for the park. The job itsself wasn't as fun as last year, because I was in the office this year. I missed the sunshine and I missed being able to roam about the park. But, overall it was swell.  I am being kept beyond Labor Day, which is a good thing, I'll take part time work over no work. What made the summer better was that my husband was also hired at the park as the naturalist. He was the guy entertaining the thousands of guests we have
each year.  He did guided hikes and kayak tours, and playing in the woods. I sometimes stayed to participate and help him out. He did such a good job and he made such a great impression on the guests and the people in charge, that he now has a permanent position with the park. He was told in training, by one of the higher ups, that if he stays within the parks system, he could have his own park in a few years, and this was by a lady who had known him for only a few days.  So, he is good. That has become his new goal in life. He told me that he could do this work for the rest of his life and would be happy. I have never heard those words come out of his mouth about anything or anyone, other than his love for me. I am happy, genuinely happy that he has finally found his passion in life.

I, on the otherhand, am just as lost career wise as I have ever been. I don't want to return to food service. I have been applying since June for various office/accounting jobs. No real luck so far. Running a successful business for years, doesn't quite qualify me to do an individual part of that job, I suppose. Who knows. I can just keep trying. I might get lucky, or I might not. I do have an interview at an accounting temp agency next week. Maybe since they are a temp service, they will overlook my lack of a college degree, and will see my experience and competence instead. And the temp work will give credibility to my accounting skills.

Some other things I feel I should explore though writing, my feelings on my BD2. Since, leaving my manager job, my insurance was terminated, and my mood leveling pills are too expensive to pay for out of pocket. So, I had to go through sudden withdraws of a drug that took months to build up in my system.  Talk about some crazy mood swings. I spent most of the summer in a downward spiral of the depression part of my disorder, with the exception of two weeks of mania in July. I was fully aware of what was going on in my brain and thankfully, some of the coping aids my therapist taught me were helpful in restraining some of the worst of it.  I have been fighting against another cycle for a few weeks now. I am stressed about losing my job and finding another.  I have been paranoid and self conscious about my interactions with my co-workers, my bosses, my family. A lot of second guessing and creating made up bad scenarios.  Its hard to explain the thought process of why I completely freak out about simple things,  I have just been talking my self down. You know that's a weird conversation to have with yourself. me1: we just screwed up. oh god, we didn't fill out that papaer correctly, or we didn't do something thing. me 2: you did it right, and if you didn't theyll tell you and it won't be a big deal. that thing isn't even your responsibility to take care of. me1: but they're not telling us cause their mad and they don't want to deal with me. me2; stop it. you're just being crazy.

Yea, that happens a lot. Anxiety, paranoia, depression. It's something. But thankfully me2 is usually correct and if I calm down enough to pay attention to myself, I am usually fine.

On to other things, My sister was having a hard time with some depression issues. I tried to be supportive and what not. I wrote her a big letter telling her how much she means to me and how I wanted us to be sisters again,( as we have grown apart as we've gotten older) and how I missed her. I tried to relate some of the things a learned through my own therapy to help her through a rough time. I tried to open up to her. I shared some deeply covered feelings and truths about my own illness with her. I was hoping she would feel the love I am have for her, and would take some solace in the fact that she isn't alone. There are people out there that love her and will help her.

She never acknowledged it, just informed me she had started smoking pot and all her issues went away.

Just a Little Help

Here's where I am in life right now. Job accepted at a bigger park. 1.5 hour communte, like 60 miles away. $10 an hour. I did the math,...