depression

Sun and Corn

9/30/2015


Taking some advice from my therapist about all the time I spend with my husband, she claims we spend an abnormal amount of time together for a married couple, as in every single minute of the day when I am not at school and he’s not at work, while not necessarily bad in and of itself, just that we don’t do anything other than sit in a 10 by 12 room with each other. So, may have taken my therapist’s advice too literally, and am currently on a six day trip not with Brian. 
So today s day one on my vacation from my life.  I’m kind of viewing it that way.  Running from my life fixes none of its problems and is a totally unhealthy way to deal.  Yes, I know. I just don’t care. It’s either this crazy spontaneous trip across the country or go a little more crazy each day until I finally jump off the deep end into full on crazy. SO here’s to me, getting out of my comfort zone, finally standing up to my husband, doing something without a plan, and shedding a little bit of my personal armor.

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bipolar

Wringer

9/16/2015


Today was my second session with my new therapist, and I kind of feel like a failure. I am not sure what I expected therapy for my Biopolar Disorder to be like, and how to proceed with it all. She asked about my goals and what I'd like to work on to help with coping mechanisms and what not. 

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goals

Goals

9/05/2015

Five short terms goals for myself:

1. Move out
2. Go out on a friend date
3. Win an argument with my husband
4. Go to bed at a decent hour, continuously
5. Quit smoking again


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bpd2

Diagnosis

9/04/2015



First off, a couple of months ago, I made an appointment to be screened for depression. Well, I kinda already knew the outcome. I know I suffer from depression. Not so surprisingly, after the first appointment yesterday, the psychologist diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder, Type II.  And I've agreed to weekly sessions with her to find coping mechanisms for the next three months. And she recommended I go see the psychiatrist to explore medications, but that appointment isn't for another 6 weeks. So there's that.

In other medical drama in the life of Mico, I finally received the results from the biopsies done on my leg back in May. The area isn't cancerous. That's good. But due to the unusual nature of the cells, my dermatologist decided it would best to remove my birthmark. So I have been referred to a plastic surgeon later in this month.  The spot is too large and too deep for my dermatologist to remove, plus I believe the surgeon will try to minimize the scarring on my fine ass leg.

More exciting news, I bought a car. It's a 02 Cavalier like my old one, and I'm quite happy with the old thing. It's black and it feels like coming home again. Except this time it's a manual, and I didn't know how to drive stick when I bought it. So, I've been forced to learn. It's been frustrating, but now that I am getting the hang of it, I kinda enjoy it. I haven't name my car yet. It's definitely not Darla.

Jobs News.  I was told a couple of weeks ago that work would be keeping my past the season to help out in the fall. They did say it would be reduced hours, to 4 days a week or 32 hours. Now, they're having budget problems. Meaning, now it's an "as needed" position, but I should "keep my weekends clear". That's really freaking annoying. I let my second job go so I could continue to work for the park. Now, I have to start all over in my job search, and it's really unfair to me and to a potential employer to expect me to keep my weekends clear just in case they need me at the park.

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Husband

Kisses

8/29/2015

I get annoyed that my husband only kisses me deeply and with an open mouth when it's time for sex.  And sometimes not even then. I like kisses for the sake of kisses.

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confessions

I am a Liar.

8/02/2015

I lie. I lie about unimportant things. I don't know why I do this. I even catch myself as I am doing it, and I ask myself why I just lied about that.  For example, I once told my sister-in-law that I wore one size larger in bras than I really do.  Why is that important that she think I have a bigger rack than I obviously posses? It's things that don't even matter. No one is going to judge me if I say I only had 2 pieces of the pizza instead of three. No one really cares that my car get 3 less mpg than what I tell them.  My family isn't going to think differently about my husband that he starts work this week rather than last.  I don't know why I do these simple small lies and it's difficult to keep up with the ones I do tell and to whom.  Maybe it's an underlying fear of not being good enough or wanting to present a better face than I have. What difference does it make that I have been married only  8 years versus the ten I tell people. Or how about I'm 27 and not 30.  I have two years left in college and not 1.5.  Seriously, wtf, brain?
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aspects

Social Media

7/29/2015

With it being so easy to be everywhere on the internet these days, I find myself sharing only parts of myself on certain platforms.  I am very aware of what I post and where. Let me give you a breakdown of my social platforms and how I approach them,

Let's start with the biggest and easiest: Facebook.  Everyone has one, so do I. I spend a lot of time constantly refreshing my news feed hoping to find something interesting.  I'm not a friend whore. I carefully select who I am friends with on Facebook, which is why I have a grand total of 80+ friends, 75 of which I could still care less about.  Facebook is my main face to the world and my friends and family. I never post anything negative there. I rarely post anything personal. I never comment on anything. I life people's family pictures, and pictures of their accomplishments because people need validation and I am happy to give it to them in the form of a like.  Unfortunately, my parents and my siblings are the one I interact with the most of Facebook.  My mother has a negative comment for everything. She doesn't realize that she never says anything nice. It's just her way. I have all her posts blocked from my feed; I figured if I want to have a relationship with my mother, her rantings on political issues, and everyone's general stupidity, would best be something that I don't want to see. Considering we have opposing political beliefs, this is easier than fighting.  My husband actually hates facebook, but he does have notifications turned on so he is notified every time I post anything. It's a little unnerving knowing he will read everything. It's like I am seeking his approval for my posts. There have been several instances where I have deleted posts, pictures, and comments because he did not approve of them.  I'd like to say I delete them out of respect for him and his opinions, which is only half true, but mostly I fear I resent him for it. I feel that I have to ask permission to post things, so mostly I don't bother unless it's something I believe he won't take issue with. Between those two, facebook is just a list of pretty pictures from my job at the park and the random tag from family members when they post funnies to my page.

Onto my next biggest social platform: Pinterest. It's my safety. I feel it's where I can hide safely behind my boards.  I post freely on Pinterest. I am safe from anyone I actually know, with the exception of one of my sisters.  If my media accounts were reflective of who I am, I would say Pinterest is the most accurate reflection of what I think, do, and like. I share my humor in my funnies. I share my love of television and it's characters without feeling stupid. I share deep emotional thoughts through quotes. I share my love of exercise and physical activities.  I don't have to use words. I don't have to talk to anyone. The pictures do all the work for me.

Another: Twitter.  Twitter's nice. I used to rant and rave and go on about how stupid things are there. I use it to share little day-to-day updates that I refuse or am not allowed to share on Facebook. Like that I am happy when my husband gets a call for a job interview, or I feel particularly strong about an episode of one of my shows, or how I feel about a particular part of a book. I all surface level bullshit to be honest. I mainly use it to stalk celebrities.

And then I have an Instagram. I have one, I only use it rarely, but mostly it's so I can share pictures from my job across all of my platforms at once. I also use it to post random, non-facebook worthy pictures, such as the inside of a ferries wheel or an interesting cloud formation. I'm not very active there.

I view my social media accounts as possibly the beginnings of multiple personality disorder. Each one has it's purpose and it's own face of who I am.  Honestly though, they are only parts of me and only parts of me that I am willing to share. I still keep a lot of who I am off social media.  I don't want to go to a job interview one day, and the interviewer looked up my facebook or twitter and found that I was arguing with my mother or that I don't hold conventionally accepted religious beliefs.
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exercising

Summer 2015

7/18/2015

Hello there my little pumpkins. It has been some time since I've written anything useful or meaningful, but I feel a cursory update is in need.

First off, I meal prepped all of Spring Semester 2015. I lost 25 lbs in those four months just with the meal prepping and the exercise. I kind of got out of the habit of meal prepping and exercise during the last month of school due to finals, stress, my husband finally graduated with his dual bachelor's degree.

Good news though, I took two months off from it, but didn't gain any of the weight back.  I also didn't eat like I used to either, having learned correct portion control.  Now, I am back on the horse, so to speak. Since my financial situation hasn't improved since January, having anything to eat is more of the concern than cooking special meals. But, all things considered, I have taken up trail running or cross country, or whatever people call it. Since I work for the DNR at a state park, I am pretty much outside all day long. I know the people here, and I know this park now. So, I am not afraid to be out there by myself anymore.

Speaking of which, I have dropped my husband as an exercise partner. He did it first when he found someone else that was more interested in his style of exercise. So, being partnerless, I have decided I am just going to get over my absurd co-dependency and do what I want, how I want to. At least when it comes to an exercise routine. I have set myself a goal. I want to run Tough Mudder next summer, and several other obstacle type races.  I have already agreed to volunteer in Pittsburgh in August, so that'll give me a taste of what it's like.

I took this job at the DNR to get outside of my own comfort zone, and to actually have a memorable summer. Well, so far, it has rained for a month a half. It kinda sucks when you work outside. But, mission accomplished. It's been memorable.
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College

Brian's Graduating College

4/26/2015

Seeing that we are less two weeks away from graduation and Brian hasn't said anything yet, I am going too. 

Now, my dear husband is graduating from Marshall on May 9th at 9:00am at the Big Sandy Arena. Consider this an open invitation to all our friends and family. We bought and I even wrote out fancy invitations, but time is short, so this is what we have. Tickets are not needed to get in, but it is recommened to arrive early to get a seat.

And now important braggy stuff. I am super proud of him. He is graduating with a dual degree in Sociology and German. He is also graduating with Honors in German. So awesome! Not only that but he also has been awarded a Who's Who in American Colleges award for students who excel in service leadership. And....! He also has been selected for the President of the Year Award for his excellent leadership of the German Club. The awards ceremony is Friday May 1st, and close family are invited. (It's a formal affair. Tie required).

But wait there's more! He has finally made the decision of what he is going to do with those degrees. Graduate school. Lol. He has decided to pursue teaching language and sociology, but at the collegiate level, and thus needs a masters/PhD. But, while he is in grad school, he will be teaching undergrads. That is all, for now.

I swear that's all for now guys. Hopefully we'll see some of y'all at the ceremony. Inbox me if you need directions, times, attire, etc.
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Exercise

2015 Aspirations

2/16/2015

January rolled around and I needed to change my life. I've worked hard for years and I felt like I was just spinning my wheels.  I was horribly depressed, I was gaining weight like crazy, I was doing subpar work at my job, and I was super lonely.

So, I changed it all.  I am no where near where I want to be in my life, but now I have a plan.  I am striving for progress everyday, instead of expecting instant results.

First and foremost, I was unhappy with my weight.  Since I quit smoking in 2013, I have gained 45 pounds and I am just not happy with it.  Quite frankly it was really starting to affect my husband's and my intimate relationship and that did not sit well with me.  Not only is that a problem, but the general unhealthiness that I was living was awful.  I constantly obsessed about food.  I could put away half a large pizza and then half a tub of ice cream.  I didn't really do more than go to class, go to work, and go to sleep.  Even though I now had weekends off, I just stayed home in bed binge watching TV series all evening and all weekend. Since homelife really was just blarg, I wasn't into my work as usual.  Most people did notice that I quit designing and creating things for about a year there.  Even in my day job I was just there to collect a paycheck.  I didn't truly so my job - I did not feel the need of desire to make Starbucks Corporation happy with my quality of work, and that is defenetly not me.  I am generally a workaholic.

So onto the changes I implemented into my life!

First Change - Quit my day job.  And since I have adequate savings, a month later, still okay and not freaking out and getting another job yet.  And at the same time, I reopened my Etsy shop with my husband.  We now make things together.  This has added to our relationship.

Next change- Quit eating crap!  My husband and I have really gotten into meal prepping. We fix breakfast, lunch, and snacks a week in advance. This appeals to our ultimately lazy side but also allows us to eat healthy yummy food such as grilled zucchini, roasted eggplant, grilled chicken, homemade fruit snacks, etc.   We both count our calories everyday.  I literally takes 5 minutes before bed to log them in.  We use the MyFitnessPal app and we find it fairly accurate and very handy.

Next Change - Move my butt!  I started working out six days a week.  Since membership to my college's fitness center is billed into my tuition if I use it or not, I use it as much as I can.  It's a great facility and those in the Huntington Area can also join too.  It has 3 floors of exercise equipment, 4 full size basketball courts, 3 swimming lanes, a swimming pool, hot tub, 3 raquetball courts, an indoor climbing wall, an indoor track, and not to mention private studios, and classes. It's really great place and I feel really motivated when I am there.  My workout plan is 3 alternating days of cardio (usually elliptical) and three days of weightlifting.  I use an app called JeFit like it's my personal trainer.

One month in and everything is going as plan.  I am seeing progress every week. I plan to do more detailed posts as I have time, and with progress pics and meal prep plans, maybe some exercise routines I am using.
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dieting

21 Days and I Feel Fine!

2/10/2015

I am three weeks into my new lifestyle and I'd like to share my adventure in meal prepping this past Sunday.  I have been pre-making breakfast, lunch, andd my snacks for three weeks now.  It's kind of addicting.   This week I am having red potatoes, grilled chicken, blanched green beans, and some long grain wild rice.

  


One of my favorite parts of meal prepping is all the cutting, dicing, and cleaning.  And the colors.  I love how colorful all of the veggies and fruits are.
This week, I chopped 3 pounds of red potatoes, and roasted them on 400 for an hour.  I seasoned them with some lemon pepper.  The ones on the bottom became nice and crunchy and the top ones are really silky.  I also cooked 2.5 pounds of green beans.  I cleaned them and trimmed the tips.  I didn't go all out on the green beans this week.  I blanched them in boiling water for 10 minutes.  They are still firm and a really bright green.  I learned my lesson last week with soggy green beans. Ick.  The green beans will fully cook and become tender after reheating for lunch time.  The blanching really brought out a bit of sweetness in the beans.
 

While my beans and potatoes are cooking, I mixed up my fruit snacks, started the wild rice, and set my husband to grilling the chicken.  This week, grapes and raspberries were on sale, so I added them to my fruit cups.  One note though, I did find out that the raspberries don't hold up too well being mixed and then frozen and then unthawed.  They go mushy.  On the other hand, frozen grapes are a treat all unto themselves. The rice is a rice-a-roni long grain and wild rice mix.  It's 190 calories per serving of 1 cup.  I cut it in half, using only a half cup for my meals.  My husband seasoned the chicken with smokey mesquite.  He grilled 16lbs of chicken at once. It was on sale at for $1.99 a pound, so we stocked  up on some extra for his protein snacks.





We're getting close to the end.  I bagged all my fruits into 4oz snack bags, and chopped the chicken up to be weighed into 4 oz sections.  And my potatoes are yummy!  Finally I set out all of my containers.  I use the small 2 cup rubbermaid and ziploc containers.  The rubbermaid ones are my favorite and they seals hold better and they also microwave easier.  I found the ziploc ones flimsy, but hey they were on sale too.  I first laid out my  4oz carbs into each container.  Seven got potatoes, and seven got rice.  Then I just divided the green beans evenly into each container.  It worked out to be about 3 oz per container.  Green beans are healthy all the way around, so you really can't have too many.  Then on top, is 4 ounces of grilled delicious chicken. 


Very delicious!  I let them cool with the lids off on the counter before I put the lids on the and froze them.  I found that if we freeze hot rice, it crystallizes the whole bowl and isn't very tasty after it's reheated.  


So, if you guys are really interested for the cost of these, here's the breakdown:

3.5 pounds of chicken @ $1.99 pound = $6.97
2 boxes of Rice-a-Roni @ $1 box = $2
3 pounds of green beans @ $1.29 a pound = $3.87
1.75 pounds of red potatoes @ $1.99 a pound = $3.48
4 pounds of grapes @ $0.99 a pound = $3.97
1 quart of strawberries @ $2.98 per quart = $2.98
1 pint of raspberries @ $2.29 per pint = $2.99

Total cost of shopping trip = $26.26
Cost per lunch = $1.17
Cost per fruit snack = $ 0.83 (I got 12 snacks out of the mix.)

This week, I price shopped around, and had a list of  sale prices from different places with me when I went shopping at Wal-mart.  I love their price-matching.  All you have to do is tell the cashier that so and so has what ever you are buying on sale for a specific price and they'll match it.  They don't match percentage based sales, BOGOs, or 10 for , but if grapes are on sale at Target for 99 cents a pound and they have them for 2.48 a pound, they will change the price for you.  I love saving money.

Diet is only part of the equation for effective weight loss and my change of lifestyle. Next time, I will introduce you guys to my six days a week workout.  It's working well; I am down six pounds! 

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National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.

1-800-273-8255

If You Need Help

We all need a little help from time to time.

There are people out there to help you. There are many organizations designed to help with mental illness.

The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
Always Keep Fighting Campaigns
National Alliance on Mental Illness
Project Semicolon
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

If you are too shy to talk to any of these groups, you can always reach out to me via any of my social media accounts at the top of the page. If you've read my blog, you know I've been there, and I will probably be there again.
You are not alone and you are worthy.