Doctor Brian's Recessive Soul

Alright, I haven't written a new blog with content in ages, sort of been on a hiatus from the interweb with only limited exposure, for the health of my brain.

Alright, this is going to be one big ramble fest and I'll jump to topics as they roam through my head.

First, we are in a recession. Anyone normal knows what that means? Well, I know, but it never really hit me, because Brian and I have been doing so well since it started. We're finally financially independent, both with jobs we love, and the lights are still on, and we still have our own place. My dad has told me a couple of times that we're lucky we have jobs because the economy is crack and there's so many people out there that don't have one and can't get one. I was like oh not around here, it's hard to make the poor poorer. Nope, I got a reality check today. My company has decided to cut jobs. I still have mine, so no one freak out. It's not big like GMC closing an entire plant, but it's still a cut. And what hit me was one of my favorite mangers got laid off. It makes me angry and sad that the company just goes "poof" no more job even though you have dedicated years to this job. Things just have a bigger impact on you when it's closer to home. Yea, that's all I have to say on that.

So, speaking of money, I got the deal of a lifetime yesterday. I bought a mp3 player for one dollar. That's right, a DOLLAR. and it makes me squee. 

And to something else, I am in love with the Doctor. lol. Brian and I are on this Doctor Who kick right now and I've gone all 16 year old fan girl on him. lol. See my layout? and I want a sonic screwdriver. and Props to Micah for a lovely Doctor costume this past Halloween, even though I didn't get it then. Now i do, and bravo to you. LOL. 

Also, I got this book a few weeks ago, and it was CRACK. It's called the Name of the Wind. I really enjoyed this book and I'm counting down the days until the next one is released in April. Kvothe is my new fav book character. He has red hair. Finally a redheaded hero. I'm tired of stereotypes of anger and rage and evil and gods. 

Which brings me to my next subject. I am very happy that I am a redhead. It's an essential part of me. I oddly enjoy reading the stats that 6-8% of Americans have red hair. Makes me unique. I know in this area there are several redheads, but that's due to our regional ancestry. But in other places, it's very uncommon. I'm not rightly sure on my family's heritage, and that's something I'd like to find out. It'd be a fun adventure.

So another topic, since I haven't really voiced anything on what happened in January. I feel that adequate time has passed and I can speak with less emotion. It was all a fluke, a rush of emotions with an unclear head. I thought I had to seek out others to love me because I didn't feel comfortable with my own husband. And it was my fault. I know Brian like no one else ever will, and I was irationally scared to open up to him. I am glad that I conquered my fear. That Brian is my best friend, my husband, my constant companion, and will be the father of my children (funny noses and all). He is my other half, my soulmate (if that what you want to call it), and it was never anything he did or didn't do. My problem was with myself, and you can't break up with yourself, I know I tried. Once we worked it through, he helped me come to terms with myself, and I have let go of my past. I can appreciate the good times and the memories, and now I know those things are best left in the past. Something new cannot be something old (just like Amy says). LOL. Now, I think we are at the best we've ever been, and I'm glad of that. I finally understand what true love it. Thank you, my love.

And which brings me to other crazy thoughts. I don't think souls exsist. Okay, so one guy may have proven that when a person dies they loose 3/4 of an oz in weight. Supposedly that's the soul leaving the body. But no, souls don't exist. Conscious energy does not exist. Energy is energy, it does not have thoughts. Thoughts are neuron firings in the brain, which make thought energy. But they cannot exist in a freeform state with out a nervous system. So it's absurd for me to think that if i die, I am going to be floating around in my energy gas with thoughts running trough me. That I have this magical thing inside me that can identify the person I am going supposed to be with forever, that through my actions I can condemn my soul to eternity in an unpleasant place or let it enjoy the rapture of peace. Ok, so my thoughts are this. There's no god, devil, heaven, hell, souls. When we die, that's it. We're dead. The chemicals in our bodies that cause conscious thought and intellect and personality is extinguished. Dead, that's it. You cease to exist. Your body returns to the earth eventually. But you are nothing anymore, just memories. Okay, so that was a long rant thing.

So that's my newly updated blog. Yay.

I got married today.

This post added later to clarify timelines.

Brian and I got married today.

College Woes

Well, this school thing might work out and it might now. I had so many aspirations for college, planned for since grade school, always secretly smart, did lots of extracurriculars (even though they weren't that honorable...y6earbook, raze, hats, softball, band...and I sucked at all of them), got great test scores. Planned fo cllege real well, made sure my parents didn'tmake too much money or financial aid, got 2 great cholarships...one 12,500 dollars. Ad what Do I do with this well thought out event in life? I screw it up, like I do every thing else. I decided no o go to my dream school in Shepherdstown, the one I shoveddwn my parent's throats, made them visit at least 3 times, and itbeing 8 hours away, and th on I got the 12500 dollars scholarship to, I passed drumline auditions and as going to be on oneof the greatest drumlines ever, hadt set up to graduate in three years...Guezz I fucked that one up. 2 weeks before classes start I decide to go to Marshall to "stay with Steve". They have nothing on me there, none of my previos college grades, too late to do band, too late to get ay scholarshipsother than promise. To late. I hate that School. I swore up andDown I woldnot go, nomatter what. Well, I'm still here. Back o the story, went to classesfor about 3 months, quit going in October, failed them all. Got kicked out for the spring on accident. They didn't calculate the4.0 I had from my other college. That would've savd me. So now I am going to summer school to jus catch up on that fal semester. I am still a freshman to beat itall. I wanted to succeed. I always let others inadvertantly decide wha I am going to do with mylife. I am an Acounting major because Journalism was a valid major for my parents, The Pay didn't justify the cost of college. I didn't go t my colege because I decided not to due to Steve's lac of intelligence, and Marshall and Concord were the only places he got accepted to. I just feel that my life is run by others. I never think about what is good for me, what good for us or what's best for them. It's a bad habit, I know. But I'm actually a caring person like that. I would give a random stranger my kidneys without thinking of the consequences. I never think. And I can't say no. I'm just nice like that.

Brian

This post added later to clarify timelines.

 I broke up with Stephen for Brian, our roommate and Stephen's friend.

Oops.

Save the Tacos

I find simple joys in life. I will tell you today's story. I was pulling into the garage to park my car, so Steve could go to class. I say to him "I think it's going to rain." This is about 5:50 this afternoon. I grab my waterproof jacket as I get out of my car. I don't think Steve understood me when I told him that it was raining, or he was spaced out, like he does. Anyways, we get to the bottom of the garage and it's raining out. Steve is holding our bag of tacos we had just bought at taco bell. well, it's not rainign hard. we dart across traffic cause I had spaed out crossing the street, and was standing there talking to Steve in the middle of Third Avenue. So, we run over to one of the dorms that has a porch. It's raining like crazy now. Steve makes me put my laptop in his bookbag so it doesn't get wet, because my bookbag is fishnet and has holes in it. Steve is still holding our bag of tacos. I put them under my jacket. My belly was really warm. We walk as fast as we could to the student center. By the time we get there, we are soaked. I am wearing pink pants, and you could totally see my underwear through them. lol. We get under the ledge and shake off to dry a bit. I unzip my jacket and there are the tacos. All i could say was "At least the tacos are dry." Lol. It made my day.

Senior Year

Well, It's a new year and I find myself hating school as bad as ever and I'm not really digging my life either. Okay, it's Thursday afternoon, and I'm sitting in a godforsaken library in Hamlin with a bunch of old ladies who smell like adult diapers. O.o
Anyways...I'm really disliking school. I go for 3 hours. woo. I thought it would be great to have co-op...go to 4 classes then leave. Well, I hate my job, too. Well, it's not that bad, I just hate having to drive to Hamlin everyday just for a lousy 5.25 and hour. -.- School really sucks. There is no way I can possibly get out of AP lit. No way. General Barnett is so out to get me. She is trying every way possible to get me thrown out for my tardiness. ah..hem...I have no been on time but once this year, but it is still not her place to hunt me down and try to turn me in for truancy. Anyways, that's for skipping school. I go to school. I get there in the middle of first, but it is still not her business because she is my third period teacher. We had nominations for miss wildcat today. hooray. I was thinking of running, but Sandy fucked up the whole process. they just made a list of senior girls and we had to vote for someone. what a load of shit. And we don't even have class officers. grr... this school year has gone to crap. the only good thing is there are only 6 people in yearbook class. thank god.

Well, I’ve rattled and lost my train of thought...dammit.

3 Months

I haven’t really gone into any in depth here in along time. I really don't have anything to go in depth about. I'm such a shallow person. And another reason I don't have anything to go in depth about is I've been sorta sad lately. Actually more blah. I'm a really boring person. I don't do anything anymore. I go to school, go to practice go home and wait for Steve to call. Is that boring or what. I haven't done anything in forever. I haven't been to the mall since December. That makes me sad. I haven't even been to Wal-Mart since before Christmas. Man am I lame. I haven't had any fun with myself or my family in a long time. I haven't gone out with them in forever. I haven't been out at all. Makes me sad.

Oh and I thought I was going to get that pretty prom dress. My dad was going to buy it for me this weekend, but instead, I chose to buy myself new softball equipment instead. That's lame. I decided to spend 100 bucks on softball crap and go out in a few weeks to the mall and buy a dress that's not so spectacular. :( Makes me sad, but I can't help being cheap like that. 100 for softball stuff, 150 for dress. or 0 softball stuff and 300 on dress. I really need new softball crap, I don't need a dress. I guess it will all work out, hopefully.

I am so tired!!!!

Steve stayed with me Saturday night. We stayed up till 2 watching Saw. That movie was sort of freaky. The lights were on, so it wasn't that bad.
I had a great time with Steve this weekend, it was wonderful. ...I miss my Steve...wah!!! Anyways, We woke at 7 on Sunday. Yea, 7. how stupid. Anyways, I crawled on the couch with him. he he. Anyways, we had to take him home at noon. On the way there, I fell Asleep on Steve and drooled all over his coat. aww... Anyways, after I dropped Steve off, I feel asleep and slept until 7:30 last night, then I went to my mom's and went back to sleep. I was so tired. He wore me out. Funny thing is he went home and slept too. lol. Anyways, I'm still tired.