3 Months

I haven’t really gone into any in depth here in along time. I really don't have anything to go in depth about. I'm such a shallow person. And another reason I don't have anything to go in depth about is I've been sorta sad lately. Actually more blah. I'm a really boring person. I don't do anything anymore. I go to school, go to practice go home and wait for Steve to call. Is that boring or what. I haven't done anything in forever. I haven't been to the mall since December. That makes me sad. I haven't even been to Wal-Mart since before Christmas. Man am I lame. I haven't had any fun with myself or my family in a long time. I haven't gone out with them in forever. I haven't been out at all. Makes me sad.

Oh and I thought I was going to get that pretty prom dress. My dad was going to buy it for me this weekend, but instead, I chose to buy myself new softball equipment instead. That's lame. I decided to spend 100 bucks on softball crap and go out in a few weeks to the mall and buy a dress that's not so spectacular. :( Makes me sad, but I can't help being cheap like that. 100 for softball stuff, 150 for dress. or 0 softball stuff and 300 on dress. I really need new softball crap, I don't need a dress. I guess it will all work out, hopefully.

I am so tired!!!!

Steve stayed with me Saturday night. We stayed up till 2 watching Saw. That movie was sort of freaky. The lights were on, so it wasn't that bad.
I had a great time with Steve this weekend, it was wonderful. ...I miss my Steve...wah!!! Anyways, We woke at 7 on Sunday. Yea, 7. how stupid. Anyways, I crawled on the couch with him. he he. Anyways, we had to take him home at noon. On the way there, I fell Asleep on Steve and drooled all over his coat. aww... Anyways, after I dropped Steve off, I feel asleep and slept until 7:30 last night, then I went to my mom's and went back to sleep. I was so tired. He wore me out. Funny thing is he went home and slept too. lol. Anyways, I'm still tired.

Update on Awesome

OH MY F'ING GAWD!!!

Sunday was so fucking awesome! :) I went to Stephen and we hung out all day. *evil tehehe* :-P Yea.


Anyways, been awhile since I made a really long post about feelings and stuff, 'because I've been too busy being happy to actually type anything or even think. So It's Monday and Monday's suck, so I will ramble about some of what I am feeling about different things in my life.

...

here I go

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1) I moved back in with Mom like last Monday, just the day after I moved out. Well, our relationship is a bit strained right now. I can understand why, too. She is adjusting to a new me. She hasn't seen me be like how I am in a long time. She's still getting used to the idea that I have a boyfriend and I'm 17, so that makes it all okay to do what ever I want...a little note here....She was pregnant and Married at 17...so she's a hypocrite to a point. Anyways, work is killing her too. It's been going better now that she fired her Asst. Manager, but now her Super is a big ass. Anyways, her company is so bitchy. She's having surgery on the 24th on her wisdom teeth, then the week after they are removing more than half of her bottom teeth b/c another dentist fucked them up a year ago. Now she's has to get fake teeth. It's going to be weird having Mom with no teeth for about 3 weeks until her gums heal. She won't be able to talk. Maybe we won't yell at each other as much. Things will get better between us.

2) My feelings concerning Kimi are still a little mixed. I mean, I know I am with Stephen and I love him and all, but I see Kimi everyday. I guess it's where I used to love her. Okay, actually that's all bullshit, cause she really PISSES me off. She likes to ruin people's lives, and now she's plotting with her friends to ruin this guy's relationship with his girlfriend, just so Kimi can have him. Okay, she should just wait in line like everyone else has too, instead of ruining one relationship. She's evil, vindictive, manipulative, and a liar on most things. I don't like seeing things like that go down, especially by what I thought were good people. LIE! well, anyway, I think Kimi and I are friends, I think. It's more than a little strained, because she makes me really angry and brings the worst side out of me. She knows how to push my buttons to get what she wants. She knows how to make me angry and how to make me really sad. And there's three things that really piss me off a)dissing softball and my teammates b) dissing my friends/boyfriend c)playing with my feelings. Those things really piss me off. Okay, she knows how to get an argument out of me. And she tries to everyday. I am just so glad Chad's there in 4th to keep me away from her.

3) I think I've fallen in love with Stephen. Yea, so I've seen him once since we started dating, but yesterday was really fun. We talk everynight. When I talk to him on the phone and when we're together, I'm so fucking happy. I just light up. When I'm talking about him, I get so gleeful. And I'm just glad we think so much alike on much everything. We don't argue, and we make each other really happy. And there's something that he knows about me, that Kimi never knew. (sort of like how many different bed noises I can make...hehe) I'm just so happy. I'm still a bit nervous about like sex and stuff, because it's been 3 years for me, since I was with a guy. And now that there are feelings behind the actions, I'm getting all jittery. Yesterday was okay, but I think we both were nervous, because it had been a long time for him too. I'm afraid of it. a little bit. But, I am really happy to be with him.

I think I'm done for now...sorry for some TMI's.

New Year, New Me?

My new Anniversay - January 3rd, 2004!!!

Okays. I hate school. Period.

I hate being here. I
d much rather be home, talking on the phone to Stephen, but I am stuck here. Actually If I didn't go to school I'd figure someway to go to his place or him to mine. sort of miss him. sort of. Wow.

This is really strange for me. I haven't had a boyfriend in like 3 years and I'm excited and sort of scared all at the same time. My family is so happy that Kimi is finally gone, and I'm excited that I have Steve. SO excited. It's like I go to sleep thinking of him, partly because It's 2 am and we just got off the phone and partly because I am so FUCKING HAPPY! And Then I wake up and I remember what we were talking about and I smile. I actually smile. I'm such a romantic. lol.

It's really sad too. For some reason I can’t stop thinking about Kimi, about how I burnt everything she every gave, including the stuffed animals. I did that yesterday, btw. Awful smell and black smoke. And It's sad to think that we can't at least be friends, but when I think about it, I don't want to be friends. We aren't on talking terms. I'm sort of lonely, but it's over with her PERMANETLY. SHE pisses me off and I just want to beat her fucking. It's like she's stealing my friends. Okay, my back up plan at lunch has always been sit with Chad or Beth and heather, but now...Beth and heather have 2nd lunch and Kimi took up with Chad...And now, I don't guess I am even going to eat. Well, I will. I won't do that to myself over some stupid dyke. FUCK THIS SHIT. everyone is tired of hearing about her so FUCK her and all this BULLSHIT!


so...back to thinking happy naughty thoughts about Sunday...




















can't wait until Sunday...

Confessions

It is time for me to confess my real feelings about Stephen.

I am unsure if I could potentially have more than a friendship with him.
I'm a dyke and that's the way it's always been. I'm butch to make matters worse.
If I pursue my feelings for him, am I lying about myself?
I don't believe in bisexuality - it's confusing.
And I don't think I'm a gay guy, and Stephen would look that way with me.
Could he really even think about it?
As far as I'm concerned, I'm a dude- I look like one, I act like one, I even screw like one.
or is that what draws us together? - besides his great humor -
I could never tell him these thoughts, because there is still a Michelle in me. which reminds me - she has been coming out a lot lately.
Is it possible for a hardcore pussylicker as myself to entertain thoughts of denying her rainbow calling and pursue a penis - even a hilarious and fun one?
I'd like to say that it would be a refreshing change from all the estrogen in my life, but am I ready - is he ready - so soon after both of us just got out of serious relationships? I still have feelings for Kimi and he still has feelings for Andrea. Does this make what I feel a pity fuck (even though there is no fucking involved)?
I'm not lying when I say I really care for him, and that
I would be willing to pursue something. There are just these uncertainties about my physical appearance (like how I’m not that pretty of a girl with this short hair and small tits) that would make things difficult. If nothing comes of this I will be happy just being the great best friends that we are.

Victimized Future

Victimized Future

Surrounded by death
Just another lost soul and another body
Another victim of circumstance
We need a renaissance
To have a chance
Of survival
And I see, and all I see is madness
And I just want to be free!

There’s no justice for the dead
Wrong place wrong time
The dead cannot speak
Just another paradigm
If the dead could speak,
What would they say?
Were they betray-d?
In this is the day and age of savagery
Walk into a cemetery
Listen to the dead.

Death is never accidental
The madness that is instrumental
In the corruption of the soul
It came from this Hellhole!
Madness steals life
Would the dead agree they were justified?
Are we victims of circumstance?
We’re surrounded with death and anger
We never cease to endanger
The future with out a chance

Stupid Stuff

Okays...Aol is making me mad...and people calling...grrr...Couldn't Michelle wait at least until later to call? Just makes me mad when she calls especially when I am typing because I like to type long entries and the I lose them when I go offline. And I was chatting. grrr...anyways on to the actual entry....

Kim and I are trying to keep everything on the friends level; she wants more and I want less. It's not working. We never ever could be just friends. Even b4 we were gay we either were like glue or wanted to kill each other. Right now It's not at either point. It's at that Blah point you get to when a romantic relationship is over but not the platonic one. We have our past together, and I'll never escape the hate I've endured from Shelia over Kim. Or the other things and people I've made enemies with over her. Rita has disowned me and so has my mother's family. Oh well. It's not I liked them to begin with. *eye roll* Their ignorance and judgmental just pisses me off. Oh well, next subject...my sexuality.

Yes, What a subject. Lately I have been confused. It's over with me and Kim, so there is no need for me to continue the butch thing or the lesbian thing. And then you throw Stephen into the pot and thing get more confusing. I like looking like a guy, but I really don't see me hooking up with any more chicks. And lately, well the last week or so, I've been looking at Stephen in a different light. So sue me if I'm pathetic. But, that would be really weird...two dudes...uhg...so confusing. Plus I know things that happen in my sick sad lonely pathetic romantic head will never happen for several reasons a) friendship is at stake b) I look/feel like a dude c)serious relationships in high school and long distances never work out. D) I don't know if I am ready for Anyone new. mental frustration...grr...

And now...XMAS eve is tomorrow!!! This reminds me of how much of a hypocrite I am. I am not Christian and I celebrate their holiday. And I'm not Jewish and I celebrated Hanukkah. I even celebrated Yule, which is my religion's holiday. I am a sucker for holidays, I am so sorry. Plus I love gifts and giving gifts. (BTW, Buchii, I love the gifts!!! If you wouldn't beat me up, I'd attack you and cover you with huggles and kisses. ^.^ I really like the Manga and the card.)

So Tired!

I'm so freaking tired!!! so here's the story...

Yesterday just started off weird. I got up and put my shoes on and went back to Mom's after I had just got to dad's about 9:30 the night before. I get to Mom's and Bob puts me to work putting up insulation in Dee's new bedroom; then he has me under those working on water lines. I love working on construction crap like that, but that early? Maybe I like complaining. Anyways, I convince Bob that I should go get lunch at Tudor's. He actually lets me out in Mom's car, with Dee, of course. Dee and I go to Kenny's and then Tudor's. We had to pull up and wait on them to get our order done and while we are sitting there jamming, guess who pulls up. Dora Ferguson...grr...Well, she's sitting in the passenger side of an old Geo Tracker giving me evil looks and I'm sitting in my Red Monte Carlo with the black tint giving her evil looks. Wow. I really never could and still can't stand her one bit. Oh well. And then Dee and I remember that Chad told us her works mornings at Hardee's...so...we go through the drive thru and order a milkshake just to see if he's working. He's not. Anyways there's this bitchy ass blond chick working and Dee and I sit in the car making fun of her corn cob up the ass attitude. Dee and I are so mean.
A few hours later, Mom finally gets home from work and goes to see about that jeep. She takes Bob with her, they come back jeep-less b/c that jeep was CRAP!. Anyway, I took a shower and SHAVED MY LEGS and got all prettied up. I looked damn good. Well, as good as I can get. I wore black high heels, jeans, my "I don't do boys" shirt, and my hair was spiked in the back and down in the front. I had make up on and everything. I was Michelle last night, not Jai. (Jai went on vacation, or so I told DJ) I felt really pretty. Anyways, it was 4:30 when Mom and Bob got back and I was stressing over being late to pick up Stephen. That went well, Mom and I went to pick up Steve in St.Albans. Mom was so embarrassing!!! She acted as if I had a new bf, and that was so not the case. Steve and I aren't like that at all. We're friends, and I wish parents would get over themselves and realize that. They have this false sense of hope that I'll hook up with him. Makes me upset that they are doing this when both Steve and I just got out of really serious relationships. The timing is so off. I admit that I do really like Steve, but I doubt anything will come of it. anyways...

So went to the dance last night. Stephen and I sat in the bleachers for awhile and threw things at Christina. Funny. Steve made a bracelet out of the inside of a soda bottle lid and gave it to me. *cherished Wow, And I danced with Stephen, Dee, Megan, Steven, and Shay all at once last night. That was kind of scary, but it made me feel better than just sitting on the bleachers (because I dun dance). SO I mentioned going outside to Stephen , so we sat in my jeep and talked for 2 hours. That was really cool. The best dance I’ve been to in a while. Anyways...Dad and Mo got into it last night and are still fighting. They are fighting over what doctors I should see to have my blood work done and who should pay for it. I told dad that they were being stupid, but he didn't like that. Moving on, We had to take Steve home last night and dad made me drive home. Dad was falling asleep and I don't want to die. at least not yet. So here I am bug-eyed dead tired and driving at 2 in the AM. Well, I actually got home at 2, but still I am so damn tired.

So get up at noon and we got to the mall, And I go Xmas shopping for my friends. I'd love to get everyone something, but I had only like 70 bucks, So I ended up getting Kim, Stephen, heather, and Beth something. I'm kind of leery about what I got Stephen heather and Beth. I'm afraid they already have it. If they do, I they can have two!
I wanted to get Chad and Kelli something, but I ran out of money and shopping time. I am going to try to get Mom to take me back out and get them something, otherwise they'll have to deal with a card. :(

I have like so much on my mind lately. I want to type it all down, but I can't put the thoughts into words. And that is frustrating me. Also, I want to tell 2 people something really important and I CAN'T, and I'm making myself mad at my cowardice.