Sunday, December 19, 2004

So Tired!

I'm so freaking tired!!! so here's the story...

Yesterday just started off weird. I got up and put my shoes on and went back to Mom's after I had just got to dad's about 9:30 the night before. I get to Mom's and Bob puts me to work putting up insulation in Dee's new bedroom; then he has me under those working on water lines. I love working on construction crap like that, but that early? Maybe I like complaining. Anyways, I convince Bob that I should go get lunch at Tudor's. He actually lets me out in Mom's car, with Dee, of course. Dee and I go to Kenny's and then Tudor's. We had to pull up and wait on them to get our order done and while we are sitting there jamming, guess who pulls up. Dora Ferguson...grr...Well, she's sitting in the passenger side of an old Geo Tracker giving me evil looks and I'm sitting in my Red Monte Carlo with the black tint giving her evil looks. Wow. I really never could and still can't stand her one bit. Oh well. And then Dee and I remember that Chad told us her works mornings at Hardee's...so...we go through the drive thru and order a milkshake just to see if he's working. He's not. Anyways there's this bitchy ass blond chick working and Dee and I sit in the car making fun of her corn cob up the ass attitude. Dee and I are so mean.
A few hours later, Mom finally gets home from work and goes to see about that jeep. She takes Bob with her, they come back jeep-less b/c that jeep was CRAP!. Anyway, I took a shower and SHAVED MY LEGS and got all prettied up. I looked damn good. Well, as good as I can get. I wore black high heels, jeans, my "I don't do boys" shirt, and my hair was spiked in the back and down in the front. I had make up on and everything. I was Michelle last night, not Jai. (Jai went on vacation, or so I told DJ) I felt really pretty. Anyways, it was 4:30 when Mom and Bob got back and I was stressing over being late to pick up Stephen. That went well, Mom and I went to pick up Steve in St.Albans. Mom was so embarrassing!!! She acted as if I had a new bf, and that was so not the case. Steve and I aren't like that at all. We're friends, and I wish parents would get over themselves and realize that. They have this false sense of hope that I'll hook up with him. Makes me upset that they are doing this when both Steve and I just got out of really serious relationships. The timing is so off. I admit that I do really like Steve, but I doubt anything will come of it. anyways...

So went to the dance last night. Stephen and I sat in the bleachers for awhile and threw things at Christina. Funny. Steve made a bracelet out of the inside of a soda bottle lid and gave it to me. *cherished Wow, And I danced with Stephen, Dee, Megan, Steven, and Shay all at once last night. That was kind of scary, but it made me feel better than just sitting on the bleachers (because I dun dance). SO I mentioned going outside to Stephen , so we sat in my jeep and talked for 2 hours. That was really cool. The best dance I’ve been to in a while. Anyways...Dad and Mo got into it last night and are still fighting. They are fighting over what doctors I should see to have my blood work done and who should pay for it. I told dad that they were being stupid, but he didn't like that. Moving on, We had to take Steve home last night and dad made me drive home. Dad was falling asleep and I don't want to die. at least not yet. So here I am bug-eyed dead tired and driving at 2 in the AM. Well, I actually got home at 2, but still I am so damn tired.

So get up at noon and we got to the mall, And I go Xmas shopping for my friends. I'd love to get everyone something, but I had only like 70 bucks, So I ended up getting Kim, Stephen, heather, and Beth something. I'm kind of leery about what I got Stephen heather and Beth. I'm afraid they already have it. If they do, I they can have two!
I wanted to get Chad and Kelli something, but I ran out of money and shopping time. I am going to try to get Mom to take me back out and get them something, otherwise they'll have to deal with a card. :(

I have like so much on my mind lately. I want to type it all down, but I can't put the thoughts into words. And that is frustrating me. Also, I want to tell 2 people something really important and I CAN'T, and I'm making myself mad at my cowardice.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Failed Suicide

I'm sort of depressed tonight...I wish Stephen would call so I can tell him I've devised a plan where he can go to the dance...told you I was depressed...

Song 1 - Failed Suicide (I wrote this in July)
I welcome death.
The metal is cold as it slides across my breast.
Blood leaks from my flesh
As I carve your name
Feel my pain

Another cut, another scar
Breathing underwat-ar
A quick slash, a car crash
All these times, it was failed suicide
I want to die!
I could do it
I could do it

My hair is brushed.
My heart is crushed.
The rope calls to me.
Suspended, I try to breathe.
A crack, A creak.
I fall to the floor.

Another cut, another scar
Breathing underwat-ar
A quick slash, a car crash
All these times, it was failed suicide
I want to die!
I could do it
I could do it

Another cut, another scar

Confusion

I'm really confused right now...

Kimi and I broke up, yes? Okay, why do I feel so jealous when she wanted to ask Michael out? Jealous? Why? Why did I stop her? Why did I ask her back out? Why? I don't want to be with her! I have gotten myself into some shit. I really care for her, but we are not meant to be at all. And especially lately. Why??? WHY? WHY?!
I just want to smack myself for being so double sided. I make myself angry! I don't want her to date other people? Why should I have any say so in that if we are broke up? I'm just so angry at myself. I want someone else that is not her! Which leads me to my other problem...am I gay or am I straight? I had this dilemma back in June...same person...so angry...so confused...I feel like hitting something, and crying all at once...confused...might as well give it up and sleep in the bed that I made for myself...

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Issue Rundown

what to write???

I thought about an update on all my "issues" but that would be boring...

But, what else is there to do???

Issues #1) Gay Life
Nothing to update here...except I saw this cool bumper sticker at hot topic that said "Straight?? So are spaghetti noodles until they are heated up?" LOL.
Megan made a joke today. She said she tried to use it on me, but it didn't work...lol

Issue #2) Trans Life
Nothing much here. I've basically gave up on the whole idea, except for the way I dress. It's nothing big anymore. My family calls me Jai and he and shit, so it's no big deal...kind of boring now...oh well...

Issue #3) Family
Family is coming over Saturday for dinner...I hate my family. Last time we had a family get together, they told there disowned me because I hate Christians and am afraid of bibles and crosses, and because I’m a witch...always a lovely experience with my family.

Issue #4) My Birthday
15 days away!! I still hate it.

Issue #5) Jeep problem
I'm not getting one no matter what I do.

Issue #6) Driving problem
It's been more than a month since I got my license and I still can't drive. I hate it too.

Issue #7) Friends
Um...The only people I've talked to since the break was Chad, Buchii, and Andy. I was debating on having a b-day party and inviting my friends...but no one would show, so I've gave up hope on my friends.