Saturday, September 11, 2004

Another Night

so here I sit, with my bowl of fruit loops and my mountain dew.
I sit here waiting for you to show, but you never do.
I waste my night waiting on you.
You.

You are unaware. You don't know I'm here.
You don't know why I sit here and wait for you.
Just to see you type lol and :) over and over again.

How can I waste away my life waiting on this internet for someone so far away? For someone who I'll never see except in pictures. For someone the by my own laws of love and sexuality I am forbidden to like. I will not say love. I love only one at a time, but why do I desire an encounter with you?

Saturday, September 4, 2004

Beginning of Junior Year

so school is hard this year.
In AP English, We have to read 5 chapter every night. That gets tiresome, especially when I am working from when I get in to dark on the house and my car. tiresome...

AP Calculus is a joke! The moist advanced class at Guyan Valley and all we do in there is color Tiki Men. ha!

So...I'm the Editor of the yearbook, s\no problem and great for my transcript. There are 5 seniors in that class. Two of them are editor and one of them have been in it since 10th grade. That one is very pissed at me b/c I’m editor and it's only my second year and editor is supposed to go to a senior. She cussed me out today because I made a list of themes and gave them to the class, edited some proofs, and graded planners. Grr. It's for my grade anyways. pisses me off because she won't respect the fact that I work a lot harder than she does and I got it and not her. :-P so screw her. if she doesn't like, I’ll just not turn in a grade for her.

Physics is cool.

Speech sucks, but it's just another class.

Art is cool, except that I’m in there with a bunch of 9th/10th graders...

so...I got kit on by 3 guys this week...well in one day. "Brandon" (I blew him many years ago and he can't accept the fact that I’m gay...)He sat with me on the bus and noticed how my tits had disappeared...I said I know. he asked if I wanted to meet him anywhere later...I said that's kind of gay... and I got off the bus...

Then this guy I used to be fuck buddies with but never dated came over and brought a friend...lol like that was going to happen...

What I can't understand is other than the fact they still try to get in my pants even though I look nothing like the girl they liked and I've been an out lesbian for years...confusing.

So.....I've been having these sleeping problems lately...two days this week I feel asleep while I was doing something. The first day I was lying on the floor playing with Viktor with a squeaky mouse thing and feel asleep on the floor. The second day yesterday, I was lying on the couch in my room drying Viktor off from his bath and I feel asleep and slept until this morning. I was even late for school. It's kind of scaring me b/c Mom does that all the time b/c her blood sugar is all fucked up. I don't want to be like my mom falling asleep while driving and talking. Just yesterday (I heard about this morning from DeeDee) that Mom fell asleep while sitting on the porch talking to our neighbors. scares me.

My arthritis in my right hand has been acting up all week. I think it is from holding a pencil so much. I can't hold small things. my hands have been so stiff and sore..

Damn I have a lot of medical problems...fucked up blood, fucked up liver, fucked up kidneys, fucked up hands, fucked up brain, I’m just screwed...it's a wonder I dun have aids or something...but that
is another story.

SO...

Friday, August 13, 2004

Crying at Night

crying at night
suicidal

Why the fuck am I the one to get shit on all the time?
All I want to do is take Viktor to the vet and get him fixed. No big deal. I've had the damn appointment set for 3 weeks. I've been telling mom everyday she needs to stop at Wal-Mart on her way home from work and get a cat carrier. But low and behold she forgets every damn day. And now today she was off all day and she couldn't stop from her busy schedule of sleeping on the couch to take me to Wal-Mart. it takes a grand total of two hours to go buy what I need and come back. But no, she needs her damn sleep. It's not like 20 hours is too much. So now, 5 hours b4 I should leave to go to Huntington for Viktor’s surgery, she's still asleep. And she doesn't plan on going. Nothing I have to do is important for her. Nothing. I had a safety meeting today for my white water rafting trip. She wanted me to stay home and clean. That's all I am to her is a fucking cleaning lady who baby-sits. I've always been that. Nothing more. Nothing I want to do is important. If I had any other place to go I wouldn't be here. And I'll be damned if I'm moving back in with my Dad. I couldn't stand all the damn rules and all the damn kids. And being alone all week. I'm really pissed at my mom right now. So fucking pissed I was hiding under my pillows and blankets to cry w/o DeAnna hearing me. I hate how my parents treat me like shit, especially Mom. I'm not important to her. I'm not important at all to anyone. SO here it is 10 o clock at night and I'm bawling my eyes out like a sissy girl b/c my cat get fixed. That's what it sounds like. It's more than that. I've realized again how unimportant I am to my mom. She's fucking asleep and the couch for the billionth time today.

Why does everything happen today?

I finally came clean to Kim about my gender issues. Yea. It went over real well. We almost broke up. Yea so I'm a girl and that's how it's going to forever be. No more short hair cuts and no more mens pants. Yea 100 % girl for now on. I think I'd rather shoot myself.



I think I'll go drink the chemicals under the sink now.

Friday, July 23, 2004

Mirrors and Showers

Just took a shower...
Mood creative

I took a shower and while I was in there, I thought of some poetry I couldn't resist writing down.
What I have so far...


I look in the mirror
and there I am
staring back at me
But who is in the Mirror?
It's not me!
I don't recognize you.
Where did you come from?

I step into the shower, naked.
Whose body is this?
This isn't mine.
I see hips, small feet, and tits.
All of my feminity is exposed
But whose body is this?

If you look deep into my eyes.
Look past the face.
You'll realize
I'm here, trapped in this place.

Who do I see in the mirror?
I see Michelle, a girl without a soul.
Who do I want to see?
I want to see Jai.