Showing posts with label Worries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Worries. Show all posts

Friday, November 9, 2018

Let's Recap 2018

2018 has been a good year to me mental health wise.

It started off a bit rocky, with a horribly long commute to what turned out to be a a horrible job that was severely underpaid. The first 3 months of this year sucked. I was in a supervisory role and worked under the most bitter angry person I've ever had the pleasure to be employed by. My final straw was me having a complete meltdown and anxiety attack over how this person was going to react to a fuckup while following their direct instructions, ignoring my own expertise with the subject. Dammit, I was right and they were wrong and the results were awful, like I knew they would be, but I still would get the blame for their awfulness. This person kept a journal of all the things I did wrong and they disliked about me. They straight up accused me of "fraternizing" with one of my teenage coworkers. Yeah, I had enough of that bullshit and left that job without notice as soon as I had another job lined up.

Turned out to be the best decision I made all year long.

I have spent the last 9 months working at yet another different park. And it was great. I enjoyed going to work, even working overtime. I enjoyed my coworkers and my boss. It truly has been one of the best places I've worked at. While they could not keep me past the end of the season, I left with a bid for a permanent position on file for when they start hiring in January. And an invitation to return to work in March in the same position if the bid doesn't work out.

I'm currently working a holiday job to make ends meet, but that's okay, it's just temporary. Plus, it's in a bookstore. So I think I'll be alright.

So job wise, all's been good mental health wise after I left a toxic environment.

Relationship wise, it's been kind of iffy. I am crazy in love with my husband, but I have been fighting doubts about our future for a few months. I'm not sure if I'm imagining things, making up problems where none exist, generally unhappy, if it's just stress, or if our relationship really does have my imagined problems. I don't have anyone to talk to about my worries, and no one I know even has a clue what a healthy relationship is. I fear bringing up my worries to my husband for fear of hurting his feelings and hurting his own insecure self image. But, at the same time, I kinda feel that I need to be (in)validated as well. I also fear that he won't truly listen and will be defensive. I mean, I do want to talk to him about things, and I know I should so they don't fester, and I don't want him to feel like I'm attacking him. He's a super smart dude, so even using "I statements" or "it makes me feel like x when you do y" statements isn't going to cut it. The psycho bullshit will be called out and the conversation escalated. I don't want to give the wrong impression to the internet, we do have a good solid marriage and 95% of the time, it is rainbows and unicorns. Except like lately, when I'm in a down cycle of my bipolar, he's unemployed, and holiday stress is getting ready to kick in.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

So Tired!

I'm so freaking tired!!! so here's the story...

Yesterday just started off weird. I got up and put my shoes on and went back to Mom's after I had just got to dad's about 9:30 the night before. I get to Mom's and Bob puts me to work putting up insulation in Dee's new bedroom; then he has me under those working on water lines. I love working on construction crap like that, but that early? Maybe I like complaining. Anyways, I convince Bob that I should go get lunch at Tudor's. He actually lets me out in Mom's car, with Dee, of course. Dee and I go to Kenny's and then Tudor's. We had to pull up and wait on them to get our order done and while we are sitting there jamming, guess who pulls up. Dora Ferguson...grr...Well, she's sitting in the passenger side of an old Geo Tracker giving me evil looks and I'm sitting in my Red Monte Carlo with the black tint giving her evil looks. Wow. I really never could and still can't stand her one bit. Oh well. And then Dee and I remember that Chad told us her works mornings at Hardee's...so...we go through the drive thru and order a milkshake just to see if he's working. He's not. Anyways there's this bitchy ass blond chick working and Dee and I sit in the car making fun of her corn cob up the ass attitude. Dee and I are so mean.
A few hours later, Mom finally gets home from work and goes to see about that jeep. She takes Bob with her, they come back jeep-less b/c that jeep was CRAP!. Anyway, I took a shower and SHAVED MY LEGS and got all prettied up. I looked damn good. Well, as good as I can get. I wore black high heels, jeans, my "I don't do boys" shirt, and my hair was spiked in the back and down in the front. I had make up on and everything. I was Michelle last night, not Jai. (Jai went on vacation, or so I told DJ) I felt really pretty. Anyways, it was 4:30 when Mom and Bob got back and I was stressing over being late to pick up Stephen. That went well, Mom and I went to pick up Steve in St.Albans. Mom was so embarrassing!!! She acted as if I had a new bf, and that was so not the case. Steve and I aren't like that at all. We're friends, and I wish parents would get over themselves and realize that. They have this false sense of hope that I'll hook up with him. Makes me upset that they are doing this when both Steve and I just got out of really serious relationships. The timing is so off. I admit that I do really like Steve, but I doubt anything will come of it. anyways...

So went to the dance last night. Stephen and I sat in the bleachers for awhile and threw things at Christina. Funny. Steve made a bracelet out of the inside of a soda bottle lid and gave it to me. *cherished Wow, And I danced with Stephen, Dee, Megan, Steven, and Shay all at once last night. That was kind of scary, but it made me feel better than just sitting on the bleachers (because I dun dance). SO I mentioned going outside to Stephen , so we sat in my jeep and talked for 2 hours. That was really cool. The best dance I’ve been to in a while. Anyways...Dad and Mo got into it last night and are still fighting. They are fighting over what doctors I should see to have my blood work done and who should pay for it. I told dad that they were being stupid, but he didn't like that. Moving on, We had to take Steve home last night and dad made me drive home. Dad was falling asleep and I don't want to die. at least not yet. So here I am bug-eyed dead tired and driving at 2 in the AM. Well, I actually got home at 2, but still I am so damn tired.

So get up at noon and we got to the mall, And I go Xmas shopping for my friends. I'd love to get everyone something, but I had only like 70 bucks, So I ended up getting Kim, Stephen, heather, and Beth something. I'm kind of leery about what I got Stephen heather and Beth. I'm afraid they already have it. If they do, I they can have two!
I wanted to get Chad and Kelli something, but I ran out of money and shopping time. I am going to try to get Mom to take me back out and get them something, otherwise they'll have to deal with a card. :(

I have like so much on my mind lately. I want to type it all down, but I can't put the thoughts into words. And that is frustrating me. Also, I want to tell 2 people something really important and I CAN'T, and I'm making myself mad at my cowardice.