Showing posts with label Sexuality Identity Crisis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sexuality Identity Crisis. Show all posts

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Confessions

It is time for me to confess my real feelings about Stephen.

I am unsure if I could potentially have more than a friendship with him.
I'm a dyke and that's the way it's always been. I'm butch to make matters worse.
If I pursue my feelings for him, am I lying about myself?
I don't believe in bisexuality - it's confusing.
And I don't think I'm a gay guy, and Stephen would look that way with me.
Could he really even think about it?
As far as I'm concerned, I'm a dude- I look like one, I act like one, I even screw like one.
or is that what draws us together? - besides his great humor -
I could never tell him these thoughts, because there is still a Michelle in me. which reminds me - she has been coming out a lot lately.
Is it possible for a hardcore pussylicker as myself to entertain thoughts of denying her rainbow calling and pursue a penis - even a hilarious and fun one?
I'd like to say that it would be a refreshing change from all the estrogen in my life, but am I ready - is he ready - so soon after both of us just got out of serious relationships? I still have feelings for Kimi and he still has feelings for Andrea. Does this make what I feel a pity fuck (even though there is no fucking involved)?
I'm not lying when I say I really care for him, and that
I would be willing to pursue something. There are just these uncertainties about my physical appearance (like how I’m not that pretty of a girl with this short hair and small tits) that would make things difficult. If nothing comes of this I will be happy just being the great best friends that we are.

Friday, December 24, 2004

Stupid Stuff

Okays...Aol is making me mad...and people calling...grrr...Couldn't Michelle wait at least until later to call? Just makes me mad when she calls especially when I am typing because I like to type long entries and the I lose them when I go offline. And I was chatting. grrr...anyways on to the actual entry....

Kim and I are trying to keep everything on the friends level; she wants more and I want less. It's not working. We never ever could be just friends. Even b4 we were gay we either were like glue or wanted to kill each other. Right now It's not at either point. It's at that Blah point you get to when a romantic relationship is over but not the platonic one. We have our past together, and I'll never escape the hate I've endured from Shelia over Kim. Or the other things and people I've made enemies with over her. Rita has disowned me and so has my mother's family. Oh well. It's not I liked them to begin with. *eye roll* Their ignorance and judgmental just pisses me off. Oh well, next subject...my sexuality.

Yes, What a subject. Lately I have been confused. It's over with me and Kim, so there is no need for me to continue the butch thing or the lesbian thing. And then you throw Stephen into the pot and thing get more confusing. I like looking like a guy, but I really don't see me hooking up with any more chicks. And lately, well the last week or so, I've been looking at Stephen in a different light. So sue me if I'm pathetic. But, that would be really weird...two dudes...uhg...so confusing. Plus I know things that happen in my sick sad lonely pathetic romantic head will never happen for several reasons a) friendship is at stake b) I look/feel like a dude c)serious relationships in high school and long distances never work out. D) I don't know if I am ready for Anyone new. mental frustration...grr...

And now...XMAS eve is tomorrow!!! This reminds me of how much of a hypocrite I am. I am not Christian and I celebrate their holiday. And I'm not Jewish and I celebrated Hanukkah. I even celebrated Yule, which is my religion's holiday. I am a sucker for holidays, I am so sorry. Plus I love gifts and giving gifts. (BTW, Buchii, I love the gifts!!! If you wouldn't beat me up, I'd attack you and cover you with huggles and kisses. ^.^ I really like the Manga and the card.)

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Confusion

I'm really confused right now...

Kimi and I broke up, yes? Okay, why do I feel so jealous when she wanted to ask Michael out? Jealous? Why? Why did I stop her? Why did I ask her back out? Why? I don't want to be with her! I have gotten myself into some shit. I really care for her, but we are not meant to be at all. And especially lately. Why??? WHY? WHY?!
I just want to smack myself for being so double sided. I make myself angry! I don't want her to date other people? Why should I have any say so in that if we are broke up? I'm just so angry at myself. I want someone else that is not her! Which leads me to my other problem...am I gay or am I straight? I had this dilemma back in June...same person...so angry...so confused...I feel like hitting something, and crying all at once...confused...might as well give it up and sleep in the bed that I made for myself...