Let's Recap 2018

2018 has been a good year to me mental health wise.

It started off a bit rocky, with a horribly long commute to what turned out to be a a horrible job that was severely underpaid. The first 3 months of this year sucked. I was in a supervisory role and worked under the most bitter angry person I've ever had the pleasure to be employed by. My final straw was me having a complete meltdown and anxiety attack over how this person was going to react to a fuckup while following their direct instructions, ignoring my own expertise with the subject. Dammit, I was right and they were wrong and the results were awful, like I knew they would be, but I still would get the blame for their awfulness. This person kept a journal of all the things I did wrong and they disliked about me. They straight up accused me of "fraternizing" with one of my teenage coworkers. Yeah, I had enough of that bullshit and left that job without notice as soon as I had another job lined up.

Turned out to be the best decision I made all year long.

I have spent the last 9 months working at yet another different park. And it was great. I enjoyed going to work, even working overtime. I enjoyed my coworkers and my boss. It truly has been one of the best places I've worked at. While they could not keep me past the end of the season, I left with a bid for a permanent position on file for when they start hiring in January. And an invitation to return to work in March in the same position if the bid doesn't work out.

I'm currently working a holiday job to make ends meet, but that's okay, it's just temporary. Plus, it's in a bookstore. So I think I'll be alright.

So job wise, all's been good mental health wise after I left a toxic environment.

Relationship wise, it's been kind of iffy. I am crazy in love with my husband, but I have been fighting doubts about our future for a few months. I'm not sure if I'm imagining things, making up problems where none exist, generally unhappy, if it's just stress, or if our relationship really does have my imagined problems. I don't have anyone to talk to about my worries, and no one I know even has a clue what a healthy relationship is. I fear bringing up my worries to my husband for fear of hurting his feelings and hurting his own insecure self image. But, at the same time, I kinda feel that I need to be (in)validated as well. I also fear that he won't truly listen and will be defensive. I mean, I do want to talk to him about things, and I know I should so they don't fester, and I don't want him to feel like I'm attacking him. He's a super smart dude, so even using "I statements" or "it makes me feel like x when you do y" statements isn't going to cut it. The psycho bullshit will be called out and the conversation escalated. I don't want to give the wrong impression to the internet, we do have a good solid marriage and 95% of the time, it is rainbows and unicorns. Except like lately, when I'm in a down cycle of my bipolar, he's unemployed, and holiday stress is getting ready to kick in.

Stupid Stuff

Okays...Aol is making me mad...and people calling...grrr...Couldn't Michelle wait at least until later to call? Just makes me mad when she calls especially when I am typing because I like to type long entries and the I lose them when I go offline. And I was chatting. grrr...anyways on to the actual entry....

Kim and I are trying to keep everything on the friends level; she wants more and I want less. It's not working. We never ever could be just friends. Even b4 we were gay we either were like glue or wanted to kill each other. Right now It's not at either point. It's at that Blah point you get to when a romantic relationship is over but not the platonic one. We have our past together, and I'll never escape the hate I've endured from Shelia over Kim. Or the other things and people I've made enemies with over her. Rita has disowned me and so has my mother's family. Oh well. It's not I liked them to begin with. *eye roll* Their ignorance and judgmental just pisses me off. Oh well, next subject...my sexuality.

Yes, What a subject. Lately I have been confused. It's over with me and Kim, so there is no need for me to continue the butch thing or the lesbian thing. And then you throw Stephen into the pot and thing get more confusing. I like looking like a guy, but I really don't see me hooking up with any more chicks. And lately, well the last week or so, I've been looking at Stephen in a different light. So sue me if I'm pathetic. But, that would be really weird...two dudes...uhg...so confusing. Plus I know things that happen in my sick sad lonely pathetic romantic head will never happen for several reasons a) friendship is at stake b) I look/feel like a dude c)serious relationships in high school and long distances never work out. D) I don't know if I am ready for Anyone new. mental frustration...grr...

And now...XMAS eve is tomorrow!!! This reminds me of how much of a hypocrite I am. I am not Christian and I celebrate their holiday. And I'm not Jewish and I celebrated Hanukkah. I even celebrated Yule, which is my religion's holiday. I am a sucker for holidays, I am so sorry. Plus I love gifts and giving gifts. (BTW, Buchii, I love the gifts!!! If you wouldn't beat me up, I'd attack you and cover you with huggles and kisses. ^.^ I really like the Manga and the card.)

Crying at Night

crying at night

suicidal

Why the fuck am I the one to get shit on all the time?
All I want to do is take Viktor to the vet and get him fixed. No big deal. I've had the damn appointment set for 3 weeks. I've been telling mom everyday she needs to stop at Wal-Mart on her way home from work and get a cat carrier. But low and behold she forgets every damn day. And now today she was off all day and she couldn't stop from her busy schedule of sleeping on the couch to take me to Wal-Mart. it takes a grand total of two hours to go buy what I need and come back. But no, she needs her damn sleep. It's not like 20 hours is too much. So now, 5 hours b4 I should leave to go to Huntington for Viktor’s surgery, she's still asleep. And she doesn't plan on going. Nothing I have to do is important for her. Nothing. I had a safety meeting today for my white water rafting trip. She wanted me to stay home and clean. That's all I am to her is a fucking cleaning lady who baby-sits. I've always been that. Nothing more. Nothing I want to do is important. If I had any other place to go I wouldn't be here. And I'll be damned if I'm moving back in with my Dad. I couldn't stand all the damn rules and all the damn kids. And being alone all week. I'm really pissed at my mom right now. So fucking pissed I was hiding under my pillows and blankets to cry w/o DeAnna hearing me. I hate how my parents treat me like shit, especially Mom. I'm not important to her. I'm not important at all to anyone. SO here it is 10 o clock at night and I'm bawling my eyes out like a sissy girl b/c my cat get fixed. That's what it sounds like. It's more than that. I've realized again how unimportant I am to my mom. She's fucking asleep and the couch for the billionth time today.

Why does everything happen today?

I finally came clean to Kim about my gender issues. Yea. It went over real well. We almost broke up. Yea so I'm a girl and that's how it's going to forever be. No more short hair cuts and no more mens pants. Yea 100 % girl for now on. I think I'd rather shoot myself.

I think I'll go drink the chemicals under the sink now.