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Why a seperate blog from my normal blog you ask? Well, I am a compartmentalized person. I feel that the following and feel I have for my self-named blog is too happy to be brought down to the level that this blog will entail.

This is a personal blog. Here I share my inner thoughts and feelings.  The biggest purpose of this blog is to help myself understand my own head and to help me through some of my depression. I have fought with depression since I was 14 and journaling has always helped me put a face to some of my own thoughts and feelings without the fear of those closest to me finding out.  

I am delusional when I say am self-aware.  I know I am not. I put on a happy face for my husband, my family, my friends, my co-workers. And it's exhausting. Sometimes I just want to scream my feelings at them, but no one likes a Debbie-downer, and let's be honest. Who cares about other peoples problems in this day and age?  

Anyway, I've always felt the safety of strangers knowing my problems to be less stressful than those closest to me.  I don't have to pretend that everything is fine. They don't have a preconceived notion of who I am, and the judgement of strangers is acutely accurate compared to those biased in "love".

So here it is, dear internet. Maybe I'll figure out who I am and what I want through writing.  

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The Itch

I have this itch in my brain or under my skin. It's hard to place. It's unsettling. I've felt it before, usually when I'm about to do something stupid, make a poor decision, or in general do something I know will hurt my life goals. This itch, it's like a thought, or a feeling. It always is whispering to me. Its not very nice. It makes me question what I want in life. It makes me ask myself, am I happy? do I enjoy where my life is? Do I enjoy the people in my life? This itch, it's an evil thing. It comes about every so often. It forces me to change jobs, question my marriage, and distance myself from my family. I fight it. I hate it. This thing that tells me that I'm better off alone. I'm better off if I leave it all behind. It tells me to run. to get into my car and never come back. This itch, it fights against what my life is. It tells me things can be better. That I can go where I want, and do what I want, be what I want. It tells me these lies. and …


Today was my second session with my new therapist, and I kind of feel like a failure. I am not sure what I expected therapy for my Biopolar Disorder to be like, and how to proceed with it all. She asked about my goals and what I'd like to work on to help with coping mechanisms and what not. 


Five short terms goals for myself:

1. Move out
2. Go out on a friend date
3. Win an argument with my husband
4. Go to bed at a decent hour, continuously
5. Quit smoking again