Silence

I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts (and sometimes actions) for 16 years now. It's not a widely known issue for me. I tend to keep all this bottled up and then sometimes posted on this blog, never on my social media accounts.



Part of the BP2 diagnosis is the cycles of hypomania and depression and it's something I try very hard to manage without medication. The no medication thing isn't due to some type of personal philosophy,  it's due to economics.  When I was in therapy, I was prescribed lamictal, and it balanced me. But, when I am only employed half the year, it's hard to maintain health inaurance. (Read between the lines here, I get a medical card when I am unemployed, and no insurance when I do work.) So being on a medicine routine that requires a build up and maintainence is nearly impossible. Why put myself through a sudden drop of a neurological medicine?  Been there, done that. It sucks.

I feel that somewhere in the last year or two, I have developed some crazy anxiety to go with this. It makes me fearful and doubtful of my interactions with others. The thought of answering a phone just turns me completely off and I'm unable to deal. Voicemails? Forget that shit. I'll sit with a full inbox. Doubting everything I ever said to anyone and fear speaking about anything other than small talk to anyone? check. The thought of making responsible decisions to shape my life? Not happening. The thought of possibly opening up and being honest about my issues with my loved ones? Weak. Admitting that I don't have my shit together and don't know how to fix it? Irresponsible and weak. Knowing how to fix my shit? Incomprehensible! Attention seeking!
So onto the suicidal part. Yea that happens, like on a weekly basis. It escapism. It's fantasy where I don't have to be me, don't have to deal with my responsibilities,  or my life. Who the fuck wants to be a seasonally employed college drop out with no real marketable skills other than food service who has lived with their mentally deficient in-laws for the last 4 years, with no friends, no money, and lives in a town where the entire culture is the opposite of what I believe in? You wouldn't want to be here either.
I get so sick and tired of these "awareness" campaigns preaching that people like me "are not alone", "help is out there" "blah blah blah". It creates a false sense of hope. Where the fuck is my support group? I'll tell you where he is. He is my lonely fucking husband who has to deal with all my bullshit, who is down here in the trenches dealing with the same bullshit that I am, but he can still feel positive and hopeful that there's a way out , loving me unconditionally, even when I'm biting his head off for stupid shit and then detailing to him various suicide scenarios ranging from starvation to car crashes. He has his damn plate full with his own ADHD and anxiety.  Like I should be piling on that his wife if left alone will fantasize about hurting him further.
So where the fuck are these "other people" that want people like me to get better, to be functioning members of society? In fucking internet marketing scams. Oh yea, they'll help you with a $60 monthly "donation" to their cause or a $406 hourly therapist rate. When most of my depression issues stem from being fucking poor, you think I can and will fork out money to help me? You think that I, who hasn't been grocery shopping in over 3 years, I who has no clue when I'll eat again, who scrounges from $2 cracker boxes, can afford the "help" myself? I, who owes fucking taxes, cause I won't bring a child into this world for the EIC and government benefits, or can't afford health isurance cause there's only a 30 day window to get it when you start working again and your employer withhold your first check for a month? Yea, more important bills that are now 7 months behind that must be paid for other than stupid government shitty  health insurance with a $3k deductible (which won't be met in the 6 months I have it, so why waste the fucking money on something I won't use, cause I can't afford to use it, when that $90 a month can go towards important things like a dunno food and the $400 monthly electric bill?)
Tell me again about this wonderful American dream? It's a fucking unachievable fantasy.

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