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Showing posts from 2016

The Itch

I have this itch in my brain or under my skin. It's hard to place. It's unsettling. I've felt it before, usually when I'm about to do something stupid, make a poor decision, or in general do something I know will hurt my life goals. This itch, it's like a thought, or a feeling. It always is whispering to me. Its not very nice. It makes me question what I want in life. It makes me ask myself, am I happy? do I enjoy where my life is? Do I enjoy the people in my life? This itch, it's an evil thing. It comes about every so often. It forces me to change jobs, question my marriage, and distance myself from my family. I fight it. I hate it. This thing that tells me that I'm better off alone. I'm better off if I leave it all behind. It tells me to run. to get into my car and never come back. This itch, it fights against what my life is. It tells me things can be better. That I can go where I want, and do what I want, be what I want. It tells me these lies. and …

End of Summer

It is that time of year again, the end of the summer.

My summer was actually good. I enjoyed another season working for the park. The job itsself wasn't as fun as last year, because I was in the office this year. I missed the sunshine and I missed being able to roam about the park. But, overall it was swell.  I am being kept beyond Labor Day, which is a good thing, I'll take part time work over no work. What made the summer better was that my husband was also hired at the park as the naturalist. He was the guy entertaining the thousands of guests we have

Broken Uterus

I left my position of manager and returned to working for the State Parks, in an office position this time.  I was super excited for it. I loved my job there last year, and I am/was looking forward to another season of travelers, wanderers, and wildlife.  The idea of going back for another season was one I had been playing with for a few months.  I know I don't enjoy managing. I didn't enjoy a 50 hour a week job, and I knew I could only do it for so long.

Restless

Ever get this feeling of just restlessness in your life? Nothing is good. Nothing makes you happy. You can't make even simple decisions? Where you want so much more, but are just stuck? Unhappy with most aspects of your life? Feel like nothing you do will make a difference in your life? Feel like you are working so hard for nothing? Feel like you can't meaningfully connect with the people you are supposed to be the closest with? Me neither.
It's time to up my meds again, I think. Drug myself out so much that I don't care anymore, again.

Adulting sucks

So I dropped out of college. I worked so hard to get back in, to pay off my debt, and to work my way out of probation, and I quit. I keep telling myself there wasn't any other option. I had to. I am the sole financial support of my family and we were on the verge of losing what little we had to lose.