Sexuality Identity Crisis

Confessions

12/30/2004

It is time for me to confess my real feelings about Stephen.

I am unsure if I could potentially have more than a friendship with him.
I'm a dyke and that's the way it's always been. I'm butch to make matters worse.
If I pursue my feelings for him, am I lying about myself?
I don't believe in bisexuality - it's confusing.
And I don't think I'm a gay guy, and Stephen would look that way with me.
Could he really even think about it?
As far as I'm concerned, I'm a dude- I look like one, I act like one, I even screw like one.
or is that what draws us together? - besides his great humor -
I could never tell him these thoughts, because there is still a Michelle in me. which reminds me - she has been coming out a lot lately.
Is it possible for a hardcore pussylicker as myself to entertain thoughts of denying her rainbow calling and pursue a penis - even a hilarious and fun one?
I'd like to say that it would be a refreshing change from all the estrogen in my life, but am I ready - is he ready - so soon after both of us just got out of serious relationships? I still have feelings for Kimi and he still has feelings for Andrea. Does this make what I feel a pity fuck (even though there is no fucking involved)?
I'm not lying when I say I really care for him, and that
I would be willing to pursue something. There are just these uncertainties about my physical appearance (like how I’m not that pretty of a girl with this short hair and small tits) that would make things difficult. If nothing comes of this I will be happy just being the great best friends that we are.
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Death

Victimized Future

12/29/2004

Victimized Future

Surrounded by death
Just another lost soul and another body
Another victim of circumstance
We need a renaissance
To have a chance
Of survival
And I see, and all I see is madness
And I just want to be free!

There’s no justice for the dead
Wrong place wrong time
The dead cannot speak
Just another paradigm
If the dead could speak,
What would they say?
Were they betray-d?
In this is the day and age of savagery
Walk into a cemetery
Listen to the dead.

Death is never accidental
The madness that is instrumental
In the corruption of the soul
It came from this Hellhole!
Madness steals life
Would the dead agree they were justified?
Are we victims of circumstance?
We’re surrounded with death and anger
We never cease to endanger
The future with out a chance
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Relationship Problems

Stupid Stuff

12/24/2004

Okays...Aol is making me mad...and people calling...grrr...Couldn't Michelle wait at least until later to call? Just makes me mad when she calls especially when I am typing because I like to type long entries and the I lose them when I go offline. And I was chatting. grrr...anyways on to the actual entry....

Kim and I are trying to keep everything on the friends level; she wants more and I want less. It's not working. We never ever could be just friends. Even b4 we were gay we either were like glue or wanted to kill each other. Right now It's not at either point. It's at that Blah point you get to when a romantic relationship is over but not the platonic one. We have our past together, and I'll never escape the hate I've endured from Shelia over Kim. Or the other things and people I've made enemies with over her. Rita has disowned me and so has my mother's family. Oh well. It's not I liked them to begin with. *eye roll* Their ignorance and judgmental just pisses me off. Oh well, next subject...my sexuality.

Yes, What a subject. Lately I have been confused. It's over with me and Kim, so there is no need for me to continue the butch thing or the lesbian thing. And then you throw Stephen into the pot and thing get more confusing. I like looking like a guy, but I really don't see me hooking up with any more chicks. And lately, well the last week or so, I've been looking at Stephen in a different light. So sue me if I'm pathetic. But, that would be really weird...two dudes...uhg...so confusing. Plus I know things that happen in my sick sad lonely pathetic romantic head will never happen for several reasons a) friendship is at stake b) I look/feel like a dude c)serious relationships in high school and long distances never work out. D) I don't know if I am ready for Anyone new. mental frustration...grr...

And now...XMAS eve is tomorrow!!! This reminds me of how much of a hypocrite I am. I am not Christian and I celebrate their holiday. And I'm not Jewish and I celebrated Hanukkah. I even celebrated Yule, which is my religion's holiday. I am a sucker for holidays, I am so sorry. Plus I love gifts and giving gifts. (BTW, Buchii, I love the gifts!!! If you wouldn't beat me up, I'd attack you and cover you with huggles and kisses. ^.^ I really like the Manga and the card.)
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Family

So Tired!

12/19/2004

I'm so freaking tired!!! so here's the story...

Yesterday just started off weird. I got up and put my shoes on and went back to Mom's after I had just got to dad's about 9:30 the night before. I get to Mom's and Bob puts me to work putting up insulation in Dee's new bedroom; then he has me under those working on water lines. I love working on construction crap like that, but that early? Maybe I like complaining. Anyways, I convince Bob that I should go get lunch at Tudor's. He actually lets me out in Mom's car, with Dee, of course. Dee and I go to Kenny's and then Tudor's. We had to pull up and wait on them to get our order done and while we are sitting there jamming, guess who pulls up. Dora Ferguson...grr...Well, she's sitting in the passenger side of an old Geo Tracker giving me evil looks and I'm sitting in my Red Monte Carlo with the black tint giving her evil looks. Wow. I really never could and still can't stand her one bit. Oh well. And then Dee and I remember that Chad told us her works mornings at Hardee's...so...we go through the drive thru and order a milkshake just to see if he's working. He's not. Anyways there's this bitchy ass blond chick working and Dee and I sit in the car making fun of her corn cob up the ass attitude. Dee and I are so mean.
A few hours later, Mom finally gets home from work and goes to see about that jeep. She takes Bob with her, they come back jeep-less b/c that jeep was CRAP!. Anyway, I took a shower and SHAVED MY LEGS and got all prettied up. I looked damn good. Well, as good as I can get. I wore black high heels, jeans, my "I don't do boys" shirt, and my hair was spiked in the back and down in the front. I had make up on and everything. I was Michelle last night, not Jai. (Jai went on vacation, or so I told DJ) I felt really pretty. Anyways, it was 4:30 when Mom and Bob got back and I was stressing over being late to pick up Stephen. That went well, Mom and I went to pick up Steve in St.Albans. Mom was so embarrassing!!! She acted as if I had a new bf, and that was so not the case. Steve and I aren't like that at all. We're friends, and I wish parents would get over themselves and realize that. They have this false sense of hope that I'll hook up with him. Makes me upset that they are doing this when both Steve and I just got out of really serious relationships. The timing is so off. I admit that I do really like Steve, but I doubt anything will come of it. anyways...

So went to the dance last night. Stephen and I sat in the bleachers for awhile and threw things at Christina. Funny. Steve made a bracelet out of the inside of a soda bottle lid and gave it to me. *cherished Wow, And I danced with Stephen, Dee, Megan, Steven, and Shay all at once last night. That was kind of scary, but it made me feel better than just sitting on the bleachers (because I dun dance). SO I mentioned going outside to Stephen , so we sat in my jeep and talked for 2 hours. That was really cool. The best dance I’ve been to in a while. Anyways...Dad and Mo got into it last night and are still fighting. They are fighting over what doctors I should see to have my blood work done and who should pay for it. I told dad that they were being stupid, but he didn't like that. Moving on, We had to take Steve home last night and dad made me drive home. Dad was falling asleep and I don't want to die. at least not yet. So here I am bug-eyed dead tired and driving at 2 in the AM. Well, I actually got home at 2, but still I am so damn tired.

So get up at noon and we got to the mall, And I go Xmas shopping for my friends. I'd love to get everyone something, but I had only like 70 bucks, So I ended up getting Kim, Stephen, heather, and Beth something. I'm kind of leery about what I got Stephen heather and Beth. I'm afraid they already have it. If they do, I they can have two!
I wanted to get Chad and Kelli something, but I ran out of money and shopping time. I am going to try to get Mom to take me back out and get them something, otherwise they'll have to deal with a card. :(

I have like so much on my mind lately. I want to type it all down, but I can't put the thoughts into words. And that is frustrating me. Also, I want to tell 2 people something really important and I CAN'T, and I'm making myself mad at my cowardice.
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poetry

Failed Suicide

12/18/2004

I'm sort of depressed tonight...I wish Stephen would call so I can tell him I've devised a plan where he can go to the dance...told you I was depressed...

Song 1 - Failed Suicide (I wrote this in July)
I welcome death.
The metal is cold as it slides across my breast.
Blood leaks from my flesh
As I carve your name
Feel my pain

Another cut, another scar
Breathing underwat-ar
A quick slash, a car crash
All these times, it was failed suicide
I want to die!
I could do it
I could do it

My hair is brushed.
My heart is crushed.
The rope calls to me.
Suspended, I try to breathe.
A crack, A creak.
I fall to the floor.

Another cut, another scar
Breathing underwat-ar
A quick slash, a car crash
All these times, it was failed suicide
I want to die!
I could do it
I could do it

Another cut, another scar
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High School

Confusion

12/18/2004

I'm really confused right now...

Kimi and I broke up, yes? Okay, why do I feel so jealous when she wanted to ask Michael out? Jealous? Why? Why did I stop her? Why did I ask her back out? Why? I don't want to be with her! I have gotten myself into some shit. I really care for her, but we are not meant to be at all. And especially lately. Why??? WHY? WHY?!
I just want to smack myself for being so double sided. I make myself angry! I don't want her to date other people? Why should I have any say so in that if we are broke up? I'm just so angry at myself. I want someone else that is not her! Which leads me to my other problem...am I gay or am I straight? I had this dilemma back in June...same person...so angry...so confused...I feel like hitting something, and crying all at once...confused...might as well give it up and sleep in the bed that I made for myself...
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gay

Issue Rundown

11/24/2004

what to write???

I thought about an update on all my "issues" but that would be boring...

But, what else is there to do???

Issues #1) Gay Life
Nothing to update here...except I saw this cool bumper sticker at hot topic that said "Straight?? So are spaghetti noodles until they are heated up?" LOL.
Megan made a joke today. She said she tried to use it on me, but it didn't work...lol

Issue #2) Trans Life
Nothing much here. I've basically gave up on the whole idea, except for the way I dress. It's nothing big anymore. My family calls me Jai and he and shit, so it's no big deal...kind of boring now...oh well...

Issue #3) Family
Family is coming over Saturday for dinner...I hate my family. Last time we had a family get together, they told there disowned me because I hate Christians and am afraid of bibles and crosses, and because I’m a witch...always a lovely experience with my family.

Issue #4) My Birthday
15 days away!! I still hate it.

Issue #5) Jeep problem
I'm not getting one no matter what I do.

Issue #6) Driving problem
It's been more than a month since I got my license and I still can't drive. I hate it too.

Issue #7) Friends
Um...The only people I've talked to since the break was Chad, Buchii, and Andy. I was debating on having a b-day party and inviting my friends...but no one would show, so I've gave up hope on my friends.
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Online Romance

Another Night

9/11/2004

so here I sit, with my bowl of fruit loops and my mountain dew.
I sit here waiting for you to show, but you never do.
I waste my night waiting on you.
You.

You are unaware. You don't know I'm here.
You don't know why I sit here and wait for you.
Just to see you type lol and :) over and over again.

How can I waste away my life waiting on this internet for someone so far away? For someone who I'll never see except in pictures. For someone the by my own laws of love and sexuality I am forbidden to like. I will not say love. I love only one at a time, but why do I desire an encounter with you?
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Cats

Beginning of Junior Year

9/04/2004

so school is hard this year.
In AP English, We have to read 5 chapter every night. That gets tiresome, especially when I am working from when I get in to dark on the house and my car. tiresome...

AP Calculus is a joke! The moist advanced class at Guyan Valley and all we do in there is color Tiki Men. ha!

So...I'm the Editor of the yearbook, s\no problem and great for my transcript. There are 5 seniors in that class. Two of them are editor and one of them have been in it since 10th grade. That one is very pissed at me b/c I’m editor and it's only my second year and editor is supposed to go to a senior. She cussed me out today because I made a list of themes and gave them to the class, edited some proofs, and graded planners. Grr. It's for my grade anyways. pisses me off because she won't respect the fact that I work a lot harder than she does and I got it and not her. :-P so screw her. if she doesn't like, I’ll just not turn in a grade for her.

Physics is cool.

Speech sucks, but it's just another class.

Art is cool, except that I’m in there with a bunch of 9th/10th graders...

so...I got kit on by 3 guys this week...well in one day. "Brandon" (I blew him many years ago and he can't accept the fact that I’m gay...)He sat with me on the bus and noticed how my tits had disappeared...I said I know. he asked if I wanted to meet him anywhere later...I said that's kind of gay... and I got off the bus...

Then this guy I used to be fuck buddies with but never dated came over and brought a friend...lol like that was going to happen...

What I can't understand is other than the fact they still try to get in my pants even though I look nothing like the girl they liked and I've been an out lesbian for years...confusing.

So.....I've been having these sleeping problems lately...two days this week I feel asleep while I was doing something. The first day I was lying on the floor playing with Viktor with a squeaky mouse thing and feel asleep on the floor. The second day yesterday, I was lying on the couch in my room drying Viktor off from his bath and I feel asleep and slept until this morning. I was even late for school. It's kind of scaring me b/c Mom does that all the time b/c her blood sugar is all fucked up. I don't want to be like my mom falling asleep while driving and talking. Just yesterday (I heard about this morning from DeeDee) that Mom fell asleep while sitting on the porch talking to our neighbors. scares me.

My arthritis in my right hand has been acting up all week. I think it is from holding a pencil so much. I can't hold small things. my hands have been so stiff and sore..

Damn I have a lot of medical problems...fucked up blood, fucked up liver, fucked up kidneys, fucked up hands, fucked up brain, I’m just screwed...it's a wonder I dun have aids or something...but that
is another story.

SO...
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Angry

Crying at Night

8/13/2004

crying at night
suicidal

Why the fuck am I the one to get shit on all the time?
All I want to do is take Viktor to the vet and get him fixed. No big deal. I've had the damn appointment set for 3 weeks. I've been telling mom everyday she needs to stop at Wal-Mart on her way home from work and get a cat carrier. But low and behold she forgets every damn day. And now today she was off all day and she couldn't stop from her busy schedule of sleeping on the couch to take me to Wal-Mart. it takes a grand total of two hours to go buy what I need and come back. But no, she needs her damn sleep. It's not like 20 hours is too much. So now, 5 hours b4 I should leave to go to Huntington for Viktor’s surgery, she's still asleep. And she doesn't plan on going. Nothing I have to do is important for her. Nothing. I had a safety meeting today for my white water rafting trip. She wanted me to stay home and clean. That's all I am to her is a fucking cleaning lady who baby-sits. I've always been that. Nothing more. Nothing I want to do is important. If I had any other place to go I wouldn't be here. And I'll be damned if I'm moving back in with my Dad. I couldn't stand all the damn rules and all the damn kids. And being alone all week. I'm really pissed at my mom right now. So fucking pissed I was hiding under my pillows and blankets to cry w/o DeAnna hearing me. I hate how my parents treat me like shit, especially Mom. I'm not important to her. I'm not important at all to anyone. SO here it is 10 o clock at night and I'm bawling my eyes out like a sissy girl b/c my cat get fixed. That's what it sounds like. It's more than that. I've realized again how unimportant I am to my mom. She's fucking asleep and the couch for the billionth time today.

Why does everything happen today?

I finally came clean to Kim about my gender issues. Yea. It went over real well. We almost broke up. Yea so I'm a girl and that's how it's going to forever be. No more short hair cuts and no more mens pants. Yea 100 % girl for now on. I think I'd rather shoot myself.



I think I'll go drink the chemicals under the sink now.
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poetry

Mirrors and Showers

7/23/2004

Just took a shower...
Mood creative

I took a shower and while I was in there, I thought of some poetry I couldn't resist writing down.
What I have so far...


I look in the mirror
and there I am
staring back at me
But who is in the Mirror?
It's not me!
I don't recognize you.
Where did you come from?

I step into the shower, naked.
Whose body is this?
This isn't mine.
I see hips, small feet, and tits.
All of my feminity is exposed
But whose body is this?

If you look deep into my eyes.
Look past the face.
You'll realize
I'm here, trapped in this place.

Who do I see in the mirror?
I see Michelle, a girl without a soul.
Who do I want to see?
I want to see Jai.

Read more...

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.

1-800-273-8255

If You Need Help

We all need a little help from time to time.

There are people out there to help you. There are many organizations designed to help with mental illness.

The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
Always Keep Fighting Campaigns
National Alliance on Mental Illness
Project Semicolon
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

If you are too shy to talk to any of these groups, you can always reach out to me via any of my social media accounts at the top of the page. If you've read my blog, you know I've been there, and I will probably be there again.
You are not alone and you are worthy.