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Showing posts from 2004

Confessions

It is time for me to confess my real feelings about Stephen.

I am unsure if I could potentially have more than a friendship with him.
I'm a dyke and that's the way it's always been. I'm butch to make matters worse.
If I pursue my feelings for him, am I lying about myself?
I don't believe in bisexuality - it's confusing.
And I don't think I'm a gay guy, and Stephen would look that way with me.
Could he really even think about it?
As far as I'm concerned, I'm a dude- I look like one, I act like one, I even screw like one.
or is that what draws us together? - besides his great humor -
I could never tell him these thoughts, because there is still a Michelle in me. which reminds me - she has been coming out a lot lately.
Is it possible for a hardcore pussylicker as myself to entertain thoughts of denying her rainbow calling and pursue a penis - even a hilarious and fun one?
I'd like to say that it would be a refreshing change from all the est…

Victimized Future

Victimized Future

Surrounded by death
Just another lost soul and another body
Another victim of circumstance
We need a renaissance
To have a chance
Of survival
And I see, and all I see is madness
And I just want to be free!

There’s no justice for the dead
Wrong place wrong time
The dead cannot speak
Just another paradigm
If the dead could speak,
What would they say?
Were they betray-d?
In this is the day and age of savagery
Walk into a cemetery
Listen to the dead.

Death is never accidental
The madness that is instrumental
In the corruption of the soul
It came from this Hellhole!
Madness steals life
Would the dead agree they were justified?
Are we victims of circumstance?
We’re surrounded with death and anger
We never cease to endanger
The future with out a chance

Stupid Stuff

Okays...Aol is making me mad...and people calling...grrr...Couldn't Michelle wait at least until later to call? Just makes me mad when she calls especially when I am typing because I like to type long entries and the I lose them when I go offline. And I was chatting. grrr...anyways on to the actual entry....

Kim and I are trying to keep everything on the friends level; she wants more and I want less. It's not working. We never ever could be just friends. Even b4 we were gay we either were like glue or wanted to kill each other. Right now It's not at either point. It's at that Blah point you get to when a romantic relationship is over but not the platonic one. We have our past together, and I'll never escape the hate I've endured from Shelia over Kim. Or the other things and people I've made enemies with over her. Rita has disowned me and so has my mother's family. Oh well. It's not I liked them to begin with. *eye roll* Their ignorance and judgmenta…

So Tired!

I'm so freaking tired!!! so here's the story...

Yesterday just started off weird. I got up and put my shoes on and went back to Mom's after I had just got to dad's about 9:30 the night before. I get to Mom's and Bob puts me to work putting up insulation in Dee's new bedroom; then he has me under those working on water lines. I love working on construction crap like that, but that early? Maybe I like complaining. Anyways, I convince Bob that I should go get lunch at Tudor's. He actually lets me out in Mom's car, with Dee, of course. Dee and I go to Kenny's and then Tudor's. We had to pull up and wait on them to get our order done and while we are sitting there jamming, guess who pulls up. Dora Ferguson...grr...Well, she's sitting in the passenger side of an old Geo Tracker giving me evil looks and I'm sitting in my Red Monte Carlo with the black tint giving her evil looks. Wow. I really never could and still can't stand her one bit. …

Failed Suicide

I'm sort of depressed tonight...I wish Stephen would call so I can tell him I've devised a plan where he can go to the dance...told you I was depressed...

Song 1 - Failed Suicide (I wrote this in July)
I welcome death.
The metal is cold as it slides across my breast.
Blood leaks from my flesh
As I carve your name
Feel my pain

Another cut, another scar
Breathing underwat-ar
A quick slash, a car crash
All these times, it was failed suicide
I want to die!
I could do it
I could do it

My hair is brushed.
My heart is crushed.
The rope calls to me.
Suspended, I try to breathe.
A crack, A creak.
I fall to the floor.

Another cut, another scar
Breathing underwat-ar
A quick slash, a car crash
All these times, it was failed suicide
I want to die!
I could do it
I could do it

Another cut, another scar

Confusion

I'm really confused right now...

Kimi and I broke up, yes? Okay, why do I feel so jealous when she wanted to ask Michael out? Jealous? Why? Why did I stop her? Why did I ask her back out? Why? I don't want to be with her! I have gotten myself into some shit. I really care for her, but we are not meant to be at all. And especially lately. Why??? WHY? WHY?!
I just want to smack myself for being so double sided. I make myself angry! I don't want her to date other people? Why should I have any say so in that if we are broke up? I'm just so angry at myself. I want someone else that is not her! Which leads me to my other problem...am I gay or am I straight? I had this dilemma back in June...same person...so angry...so confused...I feel like hitting something, and crying all at once...confused...might as well give it up and sleep in the bed that I made for myself...

Issue Rundown

what to write???

I thought about an update on all my "issues" but that would be boring...

But, what else is there to do???

Issues #1) Gay Life
Nothing to update here...except I saw this cool bumper sticker at hot topic that said "Straight?? So are spaghetti noodles until they are heated up?" LOL.
Megan made a joke today. She said she tried to use it on me, but it didn't work...lol

Issue #2) Trans Life
Nothing much here. I've basically gave up on the whole idea, except for the way I dress. It's nothing big anymore. My family calls me Jai and he and shit, so it's no big deal...kind of boring now...oh well...

Issue #3) Family
Family is coming over Saturday for dinner...I hate my family. Last time we had a family get together, they told there disowned me because I hate Christians and am afraid of bibles and crosses, and because I’m a witch...always a lovely experience with my family.

Issue #4) My Birthday
15 days away!! I still hate it.

Issue #5) Jeep…

Another Night

so here I sit, with my bowl of fruit loops and my mountain dew.
I sit here waiting for you to show, but you never do.
I waste my night waiting on you.
You.

You are unaware. You don't know I'm here.
You don't know why I sit here and wait for you.
Just to see you type lol and :) over and over again.

How can I waste away my life waiting on this internet for someone so far away? For someone who I'll never see except in pictures. For someone the by my own laws of love and sexuality I am forbidden to like. I will not say love. I love only one at a time, but why do I desire an encounter with you?

Beginning of Junior Year

so school is hard this year.
In AP English, We have to read 5 chapter every night. That gets tiresome, especially when I am working from when I get in to dark on the house and my car. tiresome...

AP Calculus is a joke! The moist advanced class at GuyanValley and all we do in there is color Tiki Men. ha!

So...I'm the Editor of the yearbook, s\no problem and great for my transcript. There are 5 seniors in that class. Two of them are editor and one of them have been in it since 10th grade. That one is very pissed at me b/c I’m editor and it's only my second year and editor is supposed to go to a senior. She cussed me out today because I made a list of themes and gave them to the class, edited some proofs, and graded planners. Grr. It's for my grade anyways. pisses me off because she won't respect the fact that I work a lot harder than she does and I got it and not her. :-P so screw her. if she doesn't like, I’ll just not turn in a grade for her.

Physics is cool.

Sp…

Crying at Night

crying at night suicidal
Why the fuck am I the one to get shit on all the time?
All I want to do is take Viktor to the vet and get him fixed. No big deal. I've had the damn appointment set for 3 weeks. I've been telling mom everyday she needs to stop at Wal-Mart on her way home from work and get a cat carrier. But low and behold she forgets every damn day. And now today she was off all day and she couldn't stop from her busy schedule of sleeping on the couch to take me to Wal-Mart. it takes a grand total of two hours to go buy what I need and come back. But no, she needs her damn sleep. It's not like 20 hours is too much. So now, 5 hours b4 I should leave to go to Huntington for Viktor’s surgery, she's still asleep. And she doesn't plan on going. Nothing I have to do is important for her. Nothing. I had a safety meeting today for my white water rafting trip. She wanted me to stay home and clean. That's all I am to her is a fucking cleaning lady who baby-si…

Mirrors and Showers

Just took a shower...
Mood creative

I took a shower and while I was in there, I thought of some poetry I couldn't resist writing down.
What I have so far...


I look in the mirror
and there I am
staring back at me
But who is in the Mirror?
It's not me!
I don't recognize you.
Where did you come from?

I step into the shower, naked.
Whose body is this?
This isn't mine.
I see hips, small feet, and tits.
All of my feminity is exposed
But whose body is this?

If you look deep into my eyes.
Look past the face.
You'll realize
I'm here, trapped in this place.

Who do I see in the mirror?
I see Michelle, a girl without a soul.
Who do I want to see?
I want to see Jai.