BP2

Silence

4/18/2017

I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts (and sometimes actions) for 16 years now. It's not a widely known issue for me. I tend to keep all this bottled up and then sometimes posted on this blog, never on my social media accounts.

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bipolar

The Misadventures of Going Into Business with Family

1/29/2017



One big life goal of mine is to own my own business. A legit brick and mortar shop shop.

Mission accomplished. I went into business with my mother and opened a local home decor shop. And it's been one big horrible mistake.

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It's been a bad day

1/23/2017

I have never wanted to drive headfirst into a telephone pole more in my life than I want to today.
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bipolar

The Itch

12/16/2016




I have this itch in my brain or under my skin. It's hard to place. It's unsettling. I've felt it before, usually when I'm about to do something stupid, make a poor decision, or in general do something I know will hurt my life goals. This itch, it's like a thought, or a feeling. It always is whispering to me. Its not very nice. It makes me question what I want in life. It makes me ask myself, am I happy? do I enjoy where my life is? Do I enjoy the people in my life? This itch, it's an evil thing. It comes about every so often. It forces me to change jobs, question my marriage, and distance myself from my family. I fight it. I hate it. This thing that tells me that I'm better off alone. I'm better off if I leave it all behind. It tells me to run. to get into my car and never come back. This itch, it fights against what my life is. It tells me things can be better. That I can go where I want, and do what I want, be what I want. It tells me these lies. and I hate it. for giving me false hope, for making me question, for making uncomfortable. I wish it would go away. This itch always feel like If I just scratch it, I'll have an epiphany, It'll be better. It's a lie. Scratching the itch always makes life worse. It means going days without eating. It means fighting with my love. It means uncertainty. Scratching is the worse thing I could do. I know it is. I've fought this evil thing. It's a war I'm waging. I've lost battles here and there, I'll admit. I think, just a little scratch and it'll go away. No, it doesn't work like that. This war that I fight against the itch. It's taking its toll on me. I'm so very tired of it whispers. So very tired of the circular thinking. So very tired of trying. So tired in fact, that I don't have the will to fight it or to not fight it. I'll just let it buzz under my skin, ignoring it. Repress. Repress, repress. It's the only way to not upset the stalemate it and I have. I'll let it whisper. I'll let it spin it's web of glittery lies. It can speak, but I don't have to listen.




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National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.

1-800-273-8255

If You Need Help

We all need a little help from time to time.

There are people out there to help you. There are many organizations designed to help with mental illness.

The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
Always Keep Fighting Campaigns
National Alliance on Mental Illness
Project Semicolon
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

If you are too shy to talk to any of these groups, you can always reach out to me via any of my social media accounts at the top of the page. If you've read my blog, you know I've been there, and I will probably be there again.
You are not alone and you are worthy.